Neurotic, paranoid, narcissistic and cruel.
These are words I have always described my mother and sister by. Silently watching I saw how their holding onto their rage, anger and bitterness destroyed, warped and killed their souls. The Gollum of their inner world deformed, all they wished for was to hurt or be hurt. Over and over, and over again.
When I search for an emotion towards either I am numb. There is nothing there. My shoulder slipped out of its socket again this weekend, a physical reminder of their abuse I will never be without, reminds me of them but as quickly as the pain recalls their actions my trained brain dismisses them. I feel nothing towards them other than a mild sense of pity. Sometimes an older woman will remind me of them and so long as I can moonwalk away, no harm is done. If I am trapped and cannot escape I risk being reinjured which is why I have a backhoe and friends with shovels.
“Jes*s Kate, you’re freaking Bambi.”
One way or another my Cop friends will say this to me. “What is it that is stopping you from changing your locks?” A frustrated bestie asked me yesterday. She thinks I’m avoiding it for some exceptionally deep and meaningful reason. Truth is I just forgot to call the Locksmith back. It just doesn’t register with me that the world is full of people like my mother and sister who want to, and will, hurt me. I’ve worked very hard my entire life to develop that wilful Pollyanna Outlook on life. Having read Dr Jonathan’s post today on “Perceived Injustice” and “Sanctuary Trauma” I wonder if my innate desire to not hold onto darkness and be frightened by bitterness, or negative emotions of any kind was a child’s survival instinct.
I have made many friends on TWITTER and FB who have lived through terrible things. Survived horrendous trauma. I have noticed that only when they forgive themselves, change the tape in their brains (the nasty one) and envisage a future that is brighter than their past do they move on. How to do this? Impossible to say. Impossible to pull a Pollyanna Inspirational Quote out of my derrière and give it to you.
It’s not a digital event.
It doesn’t just happen like flicking a switch. It is a progressive and focused decision to defeat the darkness around us by simply not partaking of it, either within our souls, minds, bodies and heart or externally.
But one thing I know for sure.
Having a backhoe and friends with shovels is a MUST because the world is fully of bitches and bastards who want to drag you down just for being You. Don’t let them.
ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM