Amber, an HG survivor | #PTSDchat

Amber, an HG survivor

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My name is Amber, and I am an HG survivor. I’ll go ahead an apologize for the long email but I’ve never told my story this way so I don’t know how to start or finish it.

In February of 2015 my husband and I found out we were expecting a baby, I was absolutely shocked and excited! Unfortunately he was due to deploy the next month, so that put a bit of stress on our shoulders.

It was the first week into his deployment that my devastating journey began, I was about 5 weeks pregnant by this time. When I first went to the hospital I had already been vomiting for 2 days straight, I thought maybe I was just being a big baby and all morning sickness was this way. They stuck an IV in my arm, gave me some Zofran and sent me on my way with no indication I had a problem and no prescriptions or further info. I live in a fairly small town so the doctors here are not as well rounded as ones you will find in more populated areas.

By the time I was 10 weeks pregnant I had been hospitalized roughly 10 times with no indication that anything was wrong until my mother did further research and found the HER foundation. I was sent the books and introduced to someone who had also had HG and it was so RELIEVING to know I wasn’t as crazy as my doctors were treating me.

I had been so sick and so defeated that by 12 weeks I still hadn’t even had an OB appointment because just getting out of bed was like asking me to run ten miles. Finally one of the five doctors I saw decided to admit me to the hospital and treat me with steroids (it was the best I ever felt), but shortly after I was off of them my HG came back full swing. They never made the effort to do anything other than put shots of phenergan in my butt and pump me full of Zofran. By the time I reached my third trimester I had lost 60 pounds.

here is no feeling in the world like being the sickest you’ve ever been, being miles and miles from all your family and friends due to military, and your husband being gone. All the while with doctors who have no support for you and who pull you out of the hospital bed at 2 AM to “walk it off” because it’s “All in my head.” I even had a nurse call me selfish and say I was killing my child. It was around this time I was put on suicide watch because I felt like my life was ending and no one could understand it or sympathize with me or care for me.

Finally the military (not my doctors) deemed me high risk and sent my husband home to me. I was in tears when I found out. I thought FINALLY someone who loves me and will understand! Bless his heart… but he never ever did understand what I was going through or what he could do. It put a huge strain on our marriage, it had completely changed me as a person. Not just mentally, but physically. I couldn’t even kiss him because the smell of air from his nose would make me vomit!

It’s now been 5 months since I gave birth to Cheyenne. As SOON as she was out I immediately felt relief wash through my entire body, there has never been such an all-consuming relief. I sobbed and sobbed because it was finally over and she was so healthy.

To this day I see a therapist, I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD. There are things I can’t go near because the thought of them makes me sick (Dog crates, orange juice, KFC for example.) I sometimes wake up sobbing because I’ll dream that I’m stuck in our bed again afraid to move because I’ll puke. If I catch a wif of something that reminds me of the hospital I get chills… I can’t even look at the place when we drive by. I’ve developed severe claustrophobia, most likely from being stuck in hospital beds with rails and straps.  The hardest part though is repairing my marriage. So much pain and helplessness occurred during my pregnancy, and it changed me for life. We wanted a big family and lots of babies and now I fear EVER having another one. We work on it everyday though and I pray for the best.

I believe that God will never put you through more than you can handle. It may have caused weaknesses in my life but I believe I’m stronger than I have ever been in my life.

Thank you for listening.

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