Right, please bare with me while I write this post, I have been thinking about this a lot in the last few months. Before I can blog about mental health I decided that I need to share my story, why, because that way you would be able to know where I am coming from and you will see that I am an open and honest person who wants nothing more then to help anyone and everyone she can.
I started off as a normal girl, everyone know me, although most knew me as slightly socially awkward. To the point where I could think something innocent but when I went to say it my mouth said some mean things. I was bullied a lot both at home and at school and the home bullying was from every angle, my mother who I later found out had Post natal depression and my sister who resented me. Little did she know that I resented her two. Things for me as a child got worse when I had someone who was supposed to be a family friends child abused me, sexually. At the age of 6 I knew what a 69ner was… no 6 year old should know that. Because of all of this I grew up even more of an outcast then people thought. They told me I had an attitude problem and that I would amount to nothing. Things for me went from bad to worse when I was introduced to Sex and Drink at the age of 19. I went off the rails. pretty much between the years of 2004-2007 I remember like 1/3. I was in a bad way and 2007 was my tipping point. 6 people I knew from work had been killed in action between Iraq and Afghanistan and I broke down, especially after nearly being raped as well. Later that year my grandfather died as well.
I never tell anyone about my dark past mainly because I don’t want people to feel bad for me and being labelled depressed is enough of a bad thing for me. But I know how you all feel. I know the pain that comes from deep inside that says am I good enough? The thin line between happiness and the black hole that threatens to paralyse you in fear. It always seems like a never ending struggle and I am not going to candy coat it, it is.
But I am here today to say to you the following thing. I know how hard it is and I believe in every single one of you who reads this post. I may not have gone very far in life but what all the things have happened to me have done is make me determined. Determined that I will never EVER go back to that dark place where all I feel is nothing. I left that dark place in 2007 and though I have had periods where I have been walking the tightrope and nearly falling off a couple of times, I have kept my promise to myself to stay out of the black hole.
Getting better, whether it is depression, PTSD, Survivors Guilt or any other issue of mental health is a bargain with yourself. You have to want to get better but also be realistic that this is a long journey. It is not for the faint hearted and you may need help along the way but you can do it if you really put your mind to it. It is not something we can do on our own either. We need support from friends, family and yes even online community. The people who make it their business to be there if you need them.
For me I am still a work in progress but would love to hear from you all regarding your success stories as well as any tips you may have.