Traumatically induced emotional instability. Or, PTSD for those who want to lighten the load of the actuality of the issue. I am a survivor of trauma, the type is not as important to talk about with other survivors as is the point that I was a victim of the trauma in the first place. So, I won’t get into the process of quantifying whether or not I have a more legitimate claim to the condition than does anyone else. I don’t like to pursue counter-productive activities.
One day, at some point in my life, an event took place, this event, changed the reality of my psychological identity, it placed a blocking entity within the matrix of my mind, and has caused any number of disconnections for me to try to either repair or to get around. I assume the possibility of my being complicit in this situation because my decisions were definitely a part of the positions in which I found myself on numerous occasions.
I call myself a “self-owner”. This means that I place myself under my own rule, my sense of right and wrong are not dictated by “going along” with any group dynamic, if I am expected to hurt someone in order to belong to the group, then I choose not to belong to the group, and so on. A funny thing about this is that I didn’t make a conscious choice about it, it was just the way I already felt, so I never tried to fight it.
Coming forward to today, I am still not so comfortable with this condition, and here’s why.
- I always feel as though I am being interfered with
- I am constantly looking over my shoulder
- I never feel comfortable, not even when I attempt to go to sleep
- About sleep, I don’t get very much of that, it too has become a stranger
- I cannot enjoy social events of any type
- I don’t remember a lot about what it felt to be normal anymore, pain has fogged things a bit
- I always feel like I’m on an audition to be similar to everyone else
- Reading, one of my truest joys, has become difficult, my concentration is diminished
- I am less focused on living, it’s like the shadow is getting larger over my life
- Happy is a relevant characteristic for me, I am or I am not, and I don’t usually care anymore
- I still have the capacity to love other people, even though I don’t focus on myself that much now
- I can still like people, even if I have trouble socializing with them on a frequent basis
- Meditation helps, slightly, but concentrating on the process has become a little more difficult lately
- I pray, several times a day
- I still communicate with God, I need this more than ever
- I love the people on PTSDchat
PTSD has caused quite a bit of damage that I’ve never believed could be possible for my life because I have always thought of myself as being too strong for this to happen to me. I was wrong, because, in a way, I DID fall into a group. The group which tells all of its members that being sick, injured or compromised in any way whatever, is a sign of personal weakness and lack of internal fortitude. This is bull, it was then, I just did not choose to deal with it!
Society wants to create a citizenry of automatons, this is inefficient to the survival of the human race, we have to be available to our different usage of intelligence and it has no qualifying identity in the community of humankind.
We need artists, teachers, writers, nurses, musicians, architects, and all of the other people and skills and their talents, which make the world possible in its current form. We are symbiotic to the nth degree, and no ideology, no theology, and no philosophy can change this fact.
Losing is a non-option, it has no identity in my life, I will not one day lose my life, one day my life will graduate into its next necessity. I will die, and another will take my place. Why should my life be more necessary than anyone else’s? I can go, I can be out of the way, to be on my way. Because if I choose to believe the bible, I know that the end as we see it is the continuation according to God.
Death can come in many ways, PTSD cannot kill one, but the answer to its attacks absolutely can cause us to initiate the process. When a person does this; have they failed, or have they in a way, succeeded? This question has haunted me since the day I placed my own life on the chopping block. I was “all-in” and it was a done deal. This very thought, in past times, would have been absolutely abhorrent to me, it would have been impossible for me to believe that I would ever have thought of myself being capable of committing suicide, taking my own life. But there I was, prepped and comfortable with what I was doing, not even hesitant about the deed.
I have had a few years now to consider that moment, and then the last moment of self-destruction. They don’t even come close in their ferocity, the last time, I was just plain damned worn out! The first time was far more, it was so deep inside of me, it was a foundational thing, it was a new part of my makeup as a person. I felt so betrayed, and the perpetrator was my own body! It had become nothing recognizable to me. It would not act like it did earlier, I was denied the ability to add to the sound of the world. I was terrified by this new stranger who had invaded and taken over my body. PTSD? I wasn’t even thinking about this at the time, I just wanted “ME” to come back!
I don’t know that I won’t get so depressed ever again that I will go “down the road” on myself, but what I do know is that with the help of this site, it seems like I should at least give all the alternatives a chance before I give up.
I don’t know if I will ever be “cured” of PTSD, but I do know that I refuse to be its victim, without at least putting up one hell of a fight! I plan to celebrate my victory over PTSD, and I hope that all of you, will attend the party!
Peace, to all!