Ok…let’s talk about intimate relationships; or my lack their of.
I was ‘under the needle’ (aka getting tattooed – stole this from a friend) the other day, and I was lucky to have another friend drop by to keep me company. I do enjoy having someone to talk to when I’m having needles drilled into my body for several hours, as our conversation effectively distracts me from the pain. This friend is a special one because we both have ‘alien’ qualities – we can feel energies and perceive the world through a very different pair of eyes than most – which causes us to talk about life, love and ideas; we never finds ourselves wasting time gossiping. She’s a breath of fresh air.
One of the things we started to chat about was my lack of desire to have an intimate relationship. She used the analogy of a hot stove to describe my fear – I’ve been burned, I know it hurts, so I don’t cook anymore. I would rather choose physical pain in the form of hours of tattooing instead of the pain of heartbreak any day! Is this ‘healthy’? I don’t really don’t know, and I really don’t care.
I like my alone time. I don’t have to explain what I’m doing to anyone. I don’t have to compromise my valuable time doing things I wouldn’t personally choose to do – which is a lot of things now that I have this injured brain. I don’t ever experience the ‘cold shoulder’. I never have awkward silent car rides. I can eat what I want and not feel obliged to cook to please someone else’s palate (other than my kinds…but that’s different). I don’t have to feel bad for the laundry that’s not done because I know I will get to it when I want to. I don’t need to worry about being annoyed by someone chewing loudly and I never have to listen to anyone snore! Is this way of life selfish? Or is it self-care? Again…I don’t know. And I don’t care.
At my recent therapy session, my therapist and I chatted a bit about my desire to live alone on a mountain one day (for real). She was concerned and questioned whether I would be doing this because I choose to? Or because I feel the need to run away from things? It was a fair question – I had never thought of it that way before. I answered that it’s a mixture of both at this time. My craving for complete silence all the time is making me want to run and hide on a mountain on a daily basis, (I still don’t think people quite understand how bad my noise sensitivities are), but because of this I would choose to live in solitude and retreat from the societal norm in a heartbeat.
She continued on by asking where I see myself in the next few years. I replied I didn’t know but I that I have 100% confidence that the universe will take me where it needs me to be. I am still happy sharing my journey, but will also be happy when I feel that enough people have taken the journey-sharing torch, making me feel comfortable to take time to retreat a bit. I also shared that I am very serious about wanting to be able to not have to make any income from my book – I would rather direct that money elsewhere. At this time my bills are not allowing me to do so, but again I feel that I will get to that point eventually. Making money from the sale of my book (albeit not very much – lots of book sales doesn’t equal lots of money…unless you’re JK Rowling), makes me feel sort of dirty. My journey is still a part of my life that I want to share freely, but I am grateful for the needed financial help at this time.
‘Where I saw myself in the next few years’ didn’t include being in an intimate relationship – and only my therapist noticed that, so we apparently have some work to do on figuring out how I will ever want to be ‘near a stove again’. Ugh. I do know through my mindfulness practices that tomorrow I may have a different view – and that’s ok. One day at a time. But tonight I am completely happy with snuggling my fur babies and only hearing the sound of my fingers pressing these keys.