Friday, May 05, 2017
We have PTSI(D) I add the “D” for those who don’t yet accept that this is not a disorder, but it is in fact, an injury mode that has been caused to our emotional well-being by a traumatic attack(s) of some kind. We become accustomed to repeating a word simply through the act of repetition, so it’s not a problem, just a label that I feel must finally be dismissed from the context of describing the truth of what it is that we are dealing with.
I have been angry for so long, and anger takes away all of the access that I used to have to better things in my life. The things like enjoying a simple conversation with a friend or even a stranger in light of the fact that I like to hear the thoughts of other people, as I have always learned how to think in better ways after having heard how another person feels about subjects and the ways in which they feel about subjects that I have formed over my understandings of what is happening.
I used to enjoy being challenged by an opposing point of view because for me, this made me use more of my own intellectual muscles, it made me relieve myself of the insipid act of believing that I knew more than I in fact actually did in reality. Persons, fall into the trap of assumed knowledge when they do not seek to find oppositional viewpoints or other ways of thinking on subjects. We become stagnant and prejudiced in this way. Abusive towards the importance of other people’s significance, when we stop challenging ourselves to continue on the path of searching for answers.
Learning has no boundaries, it has no limitations, other than those we ourselves place on the process. I learned less in school than I have in simply listening to, and by observing the actions of other people as they went about living their daily lives. School, was a phenomenal waste of learning possibilities because it was built upon the resonating tones of repetitive inconclusiveness and expected compliance without the interruptions of asking questions as to the validity of what was being taught.
The treatment of emotional injuries is shuttered into the box of generic assumptions in this way! The actions of a few persons who have formed an association of professionals has damaged lives for generations, as they have been given the Carte` Blanche to make any and all decisions as to how and as to when a person or a group of people should be deemed as being dangerous and unable to be in control of their own lives without being directed by those who know better how to handle them.
I am angry that as I speak to a person who is in the position to make assumptions as to my being or not being a danger to the public, can write a few words on a page that can have an immediate and permanently negative impact not only on my life, but the lives of my family and my friends and associates. This impact resonates beyond me, it resonates outwardly into an entirety of the society, because after me, it can happen to you, or to someone you know, and it can bloom until we are all under the pall of this professional factory of nonsense!
I have chosen to be unreasonable in seeking that helpful piece of this puzzle! I will not stand idly by anymore, I will jump feet-first into this fiery pool of unknown depth and heat, because I am already on the edge, and I am being pushed closer to falling in, and with the lack of true help from the “professionals of the study of the mind”, I am going to go in eventually, so I am choosing to go in on my own terms! Damn the fear, I live in fear all of the time! I live with anxiety, minute by minute, so to be fearful is not a strange dynamic for me to deal with!
This thing is what I have to do because it is the most frightening thing I can think of that I MUST do! It is the apple from the tree, that I MUST take a bite of if I am to have any chance of finding out what in the hell is happening to my emotional health! There is no reason for me to try it, I have to just dammit DO IT!
There is always darkness to deal with, there is always the monster you cannot see, but you must take on this son of a bitch, you must take the chance of being knocked out, in this fight because not to fight it, is to lose! I’m not a loser, I’m not a fearful fool, I am just a person who up until a few days ago, decided to give the system a try. I left my personal power to make choices into the hands of strangers who don’t give a damn about me, just the compilation of my complaints, in order to become more accepted professionals inside of their associations. They don’t care about me and they don’t care about you!
How much more time, do I have? How much more time, do you have? How much of this time are you willing to give up to these association morons who are never going to help us to heal, instead they will only continue to cover up the symptoms of the condition?
I have seen the end, I have been told of the closeness of my no longer being here, so I now know that yesterday I of no meaning, today is the day that I must fight, I must demand justice for me and for others, I must take a chance on being tackled before I reach the end zone, I have to be willing to be hit by the most vicious tackler on the field, because he’s already chasing me down, already coming toward me at full speed.
PTSI is not my enemy, it is just a part of what I am today, it is the unhealed injury, it is the gorilla that no one wants to deal with because they know that they don’t know how to do so! So, I say I will be the gladiator, I will pick up the weapons and I will fight to heal the wounds, I will fail if I have to, but I will fight because I have no options to NOT do so!
What is the point of talking, is I don’t throw myself into the fight? It makes me worse than the problem if I am too afraid to use my positive strengths to fight for something purposeful either for me or for the lives of other persons? Who am I to run away from the conflict, if I am willing to ask someone else to fight for me? What in the hell kind of a coward does this make me? An ass with a mouth, and nothing else other than the stink of my words to add to a conversation that is becoming more and more tale as nothing is added to actual healing? Not anymore dammit!
Am I afraid? Damned right, I am! But the fear is not the problem, I am the problem! If I am overrating the symptoms by giving in to them, I am a weak and useless individual, why would I assume that I should be listened to, without adding to a conversation, anything other than my own complaints? I am a piece of the problem not a piece of the solution!
I must shut out my own bullshit! I must not read into the lies and the negativity, I must be willing and able to tell friends “NO!” when they ask me to participate in their bullshitting sessions! I love people, I don’t like everyone, but to do this, would take a giving up of my identity. Some people are assholes, and some people have to see me as such as well, so who am I to think of myself as more than anyone else? I will do my positive things, and those who will accept this side of me, while dismissing me due to my negatives, will be written off because I am a whole person!
Water will eventually break down any barrier, or it will cause life to flourish, but the thing is, that water must exist! Christopher does not have to, but while I do, I will dive in, participate, piss off those who are in a position to make changes that can help people who are in need of the assistance. They will hate me, and I will accept the hate, but if I have to be hated, so dammit what? I’ve been hated before! Ask my ex-wife, she hated the hell out of me!
So yes, I am angry, and I am incensed at PTSI(D), but more so, I am pissed off at myself, because I gave in to the lies, I gave up my power, I cried when I should have screamed, I laid down when I should have stood up, I stayed silent, hen I should have interrupted and added to the conversation! I was a p*ssy! I admit to it, I’m not proud of it, I am ashamed of it, but I am open to who I have been and to who I will now be.
No more silence, now I will shout it out, I will cuss ’em out, I will assume the fighting stance if it is necessary, but not one more second of my time, will be wasted on feeling frightened or silent.
I will fight for us, the people who are injured and dealing with issues related to PTSI(D)s. if I am stepping on toes, it is not meant to be so, but move them, because I am not going to change my course, I’ve done that far too often in my life!