Sunday, June 18, 2017, 12:37
Inside of my head, I see the flashing of lights from time to time. I don’t know where I got it from, and I don’t know why it seems to be such an integral part of my life.
I do not recall making any request for it to arrive and to be installed, and I didn’t send back a card I received from the mail. I don’t have any recall of filling out an online application for a free trial which would expand after thirty days if I did not cancel it, but one thing that I know for certain; the damned thing is here and it interferes at times when I least expect that I’m in need of being alarmed at all!
One of the aspects associated with my PTSI is to be hyper-vigilant. This is not a good thing at all times because I need a break from the tension. I need a release of the pressure it causes inside of my head. I ask myself often: “why am I so aware of my surroundings?” “what in the hell could be so dangerous, that I need to feel so on-guard right now?”
This is a part of my PTSI profile: on guard, almost all of the time, and it is tiring and progressively intrusive. I get hardly a moment to rest. If I am outside of my home, I am on high-security vigilance, that’s just the way that it is!
I have talked to my psychiatrist about this, and I have to this point been given no less than eight(8) different types of anti-anxiety medications to “help” me not to feel so hyper, but none of them has ever done anything to ease the situation, or to make me feel less unsafe within my head.
Freeing myself from the ganging up feelings I get from emotional stresses is one of my main areas of focus. I have to admit to not having the patience to use meditation most of the time, and holistic possibilities seem so far away from my willingness to even try it, even though I think that I want to do. I hear the passion of some like Tim, as he talks about how effective and relieving it is, and I want to give it a try, but I mistrust outsiders, and I isolate. Keeping me away from a lot of possibilities.
Do you want an illustration of what my mind tells me at times? OK, here is one example:
Surrounded, leaving no way to run around or out, I either collapse and surrender, or I fight my way out and hope to survive. Living this way is not easy, it is debilitating and often humiliating.
Placing yourself into someone else’s nightmare is not an easy to accomplish achievement, it just happens that we all experience life and even the exact same events, in differing ways. No one, the same even in a group of thousands of persons who witnessed it together!
<<The inside of an injured person’s emotions..m4a>>
Audio recording started: 15:15 Sunday, June 18, 2017
My question as PTSI started to become more prevalent as an intruder inside of my life, was who did I used to be? And if that person was so damned special; why did he disappear merely due to some traumatic events? Why didn’t he stick around, and protect me? Was he a coward, should I have lost him earlier than I did, possibly having saved myself from the rigors of this bullshat I’m now stuck with going through?
I’m not a superhero, I never even wanted to be, but a superhero would probably be suffering this issue in an even worse way than I am because his or her failures would consequentially cause the losses of lives. The paradigm would always be the same: suit up, go out, fight to save, hope you don’t fail and when you do, hope you can minimize the damages. That can’t be easily accepted.
I get to the point where I feel disgusted with being myself. I cannot stand to breathe air through my own nostrils! Living this way is not substandard, it’s subhuman! And it causes a sort of pain that has no easy to define identifiers. Why it exists, is easy to say in one manner, but nothing else about it comes easily to explain. I used to like being me. I used to look forward to that moment in the morning hen the real face looked back at me. When there was no washed face, and no combed hair; nothing but the guy who would have to be tolerated if he refused to groom beyond the brushing of his teeth!
I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I miss him; a lot!
Emotional situations call for some clarity and for a lot of leeways to leave a pathway to finding calmness. It is not always done, but it has to always be the process we seek to find in any situation that causes stress and distress, or we collapse irretrievably into fear, a pit from which we never find the strength to attempt to dig our way out, fear is strong, and it is non-motivational in that it makes us stand in place, and shake and quake and cry, and scream and go quiet, all at the same time! This thing is strong!
Surviving an attempted sexual assault when I was a child was bad enough. I wanted to understand why this person would even think to have tried to do this to me. He was a trusted family friend, an uncle figure, not just some stranger we had just met. But I guess he thought that my young age would protect him. But I fought back, I poked him in the eyes, (Three Stooges Style!) and I punched him in his nose hard enough to draw blood, and water-up his eyes. He was done! And he begged me not to tell anyone.
I saved several members of my family from prison by not telling it, and by keeping my distance from this bastard for the rest of his life!
Reconciliation of emotional soundness is the mission I am on. I wonder often if I can achieve the outcome that I am seeking, or if I am just wasting my time?
<<The inside of an injured person’s emotions..m4a>>
Audio recording started: 16:07 Sunday, June 18, 2017
Movement in the correct direction is the one necessity to creating healing for PTSI(D)S!
Access to healing, peace of heart, soul, and mind.