Wednesday, July 26, 2017, 16:43
I exist in a world that has a diversity of components and I am just one in many of those that exist. I know that I am individually necessary, but this is mostly to myself. Oh, I have people who love me and care, but in the most necessary of relationships that I have been able to create in my life; the one with my own self is the one that I have worked on the least.
From the time I was a child, I worked on making friendships with other kids. I was told that this was important, most of the time, however, I had to accept limited relationships because a lot of the kids were less like I was. They did not have the same fascination with life and finding out different things as I did. They just wanted play and act out, that was never really my nature.
I was a bit of a loner because of the fact that I never felt comfortable around kids who didn’t have the curiosity to be more than just a kid, someone who didn’t know much and didn’t try to learn much more. I hung around the older people. They had a knowledge, their stories were full of history and fun and tragedy that I couldn’t learn from playing hide and seek.
After a near-molestation incident, I learned a lot less toward children and more so toward the elderly adults who were so important to me. I learned about their lives and struggles and their needs to make sure that their children would have it slightly easier to get into the world and to be contributive. These were my heroes in a way!
People who knew stuff, and like to share it! These were the remnants of the last slaves, the children born into a lifestyle I would never have to tolerate. It’s easy for younger people today to be demonstrative in negative ways, because of these older people who were attacked for being peaceful and respectful of the laws. This I find to be ironic but in an insultingly crass sort of way!
I eventually started to make friendship bonds, but it was with specific persons, those who were a lot like me. Seeking knowledge, talking about important things, not incompetent and inconsequential lots of noise that would do nothing to increase their knowledge or their abilities to see life beyond the borders of false bravado and loud talking braggadocio, they weren’t for me!
I found some really compatible persons in the military! We were in sync from moment one! But, I had my hesitations about forming too strong a bond with anyone, I had the losses of friends who were close and I didn’t know if I wanted to deal with that again. I did though, and even now, we’re still Elmer’s glue close!
But I do wonder, is my loner-attitude has been influenced by PTSI? I don’t make new friends easily, and when I do make a friendship, it is important for me to let that person know that I’m the real thing, not a substitute filler for an empty seat.
Can any of us say that PTSI has not ruined friendships in our lives? What about our family lives? PTSI tells us that the abnormality is based on other people and other things, it tends to tell us the lie that we are OK, when in fact, we are not.
Here is another aspect of TSI I consider from time to time: can PTSI make me choose the wrong relationships? Can it expose me to the most negative personal relationships I can find? Maybe I even seek the pain of hurtful relationships, in order to break away from the uncertainty of PTSI. It’s difficult, and “difficult” is hard enough when you’re not deeply depressed or deeply afraid and confused.
Oh, did I forget to mention that I am experiencing the aftermath of traumas that have not yet healed, and that they are termed to “disorders” by psychiatrists? Yes, well. I am, and it is enough to be maddening and disconcerting. But I choose to live a life not live a death with breathing involved in the process! PTSI lies to me, it tells me the floor is farther away from my feet than it is.
PTSI tells me that I don’t have the right to be happy, or smart, or imaginative. PTSI tries to interfere with all aspects of my life, and I fight the bastard as staunchly as I can, it gets its hits in from time to time, but I smash it in the face as well!
The first hard punch I gave PTSI was when I refused to go through with my planned and very close to being completed suicide! Not an attempt, a setup operation that had I gone to the last movement, would have absolutely been successful!
So I tell PTSI to “go to hell!” as often as I think about doing so, it deserves to know that it will have to fight to disrupt my life. It will have to bring a lunch if it wants to be a contestant in the kicking of my ass because I’m going to fight!
I am a decent friend to have because I love the process of becoming trusted. I may have internal trust issues, but when a person trusts me, I’d live to protect that person, I’ll only die, to get rid of the pain I’m in. (Kate Gillie ruined this, with a Zebra painting!) I thank her for it, but then when I’m doing this; here comes that good old ass, PTSI, to mess thing up again!
Persons who have PTSI can be exceptional friends, there is no doubt about this. But I must say that a person who was an ass before traumatic events and eventual PTSI issues interfered with their lives is offering to be your friend; there may come a time when a triggered event will happen to look like a personal attack, a movement against you. When in fact, it is not. The person is in a state of fear and terror.
PTSI can manifest itself in ways that are not calculable even to persons who are affected by its presence. A non-compromised person can be come discombobulated by a triggered event. This person can see the moment as an attack, when it is in fact, a crying out for help that has a different voice. PTSI is a language all its own, a foreign tongue that has no interpretation.
Current conclusion: yes, a person who is dealing with issues of PTSI CAN be a good friend, a confidant and a protective source of companionship. It may take a little work, but all friendships do, right?