So much happens in the processing of PTSI. It is all such a unique experience for each person. Each one of us here is searching and with support and varying degrees of success we happen upon a way forward. For me there are phases. I can make really strong progress in conquering the fallout and finding a way through and at other times I can get knocked for a loop from triggers in places and from people, that I could never plan for, mitigate or even anticipate.
The phases are part of an evolution in thinking and living. Over the past six months analysing the process has been really challenging. This has been necessary for me trying to make sense of what happened and continues to happen to me. The analysis of self, has revealed parts of me that I just feel sick about and hardly recognise as me. They are the parts that will need work …lots of work.
Part of the process has been mourning. Mourning the loss of self and the time, the forever friends and the future I thought I would be in now, is tough work. Lots of tears. Lots and lots of tears. So much time crying, an “evolution of tears.” Such complexity in this phrase. Even if the trauma I experienced was a single event, I am not sure that complexity would have been any less. The PTSI impact has a way of making everything so complex and messy. So “Operation Restore Order” is my attempt to sort it all out, to make sense. Which is so funny (weird) given the whole chronology of the “evolution of tears” is not actually a time line per se.
To start there was just overwhelming emotion. So totally out of control. Pretty sure I cried a sea of tears many times over (evolution of tears #1). With time, therapy and distance the overwhelming was less often, but the tears, yes still there, regular and not for any particular reason (evolution of tears #2). The mourning continues, but the reason “why” and the purpose in the healing starts to emerge (evolution of tears #3). Without the “storm” there would be no growth. Would I choose this path voluntarily? Hell NO!! But now I am on it, yes, there a new parts to life that are being created (evolution of tears #4). So combining all of the colour and movement I think I have explored as far as I can go for now on the “evolution of tears”. My hope with the “evolution of tears” is that some of the thinking and writing helps make sense of some of the “madness” we experience, and that the purpose to all of the crying and mourning that happens is revealed.
OK so now, right now, I am in the “phase of green tears” with a dash of “blue”. And here, right now, the view is pretty good looking forward as I am #workingthruit and on #thisjourneyofdays.