A fearful night spent running from unseen demons that are a part of my past but still screwing with my present, and endangering my future. Memories of laughing with my friends as just mere boys, we thought we were ready to take on the world, without a problem. I guess all kids think this way as they start to smell a stronger odor from the loaves they’ve pinched off into the porcelain thrones!
In the “real “of thin, s however, there are no real-life scenarios where someone knows everything. Yes, there are geniuses, and savants and the like, but even each of them, is not in possession of all knowledge.
I read the bible, a lot! I read stories of great heroism, great acts of selflessness, and of great selfishness. I read about a man who is the chosen of God who creates a murder to take a man’s wife that he has already impregnated. Sending alone into the biggest battle to be killed to cover up the lies of his sins. I can only imagine that tis is why so many people abuse the bible as the reason for their aggressions against other persons. I don’t know for certain though, it’s just a theory of mine, I could be wrong.
Military service was a bit like believing the stories in the bible for me. I held the idea of serving to be sacred, and to be a duty that must be completed. I bought into the whole national identity stories, and I wanted to protect the people who liked here and loved the idea of freedoms and civil liberates. Something that my parents were only experiencing to a fuller extent as I reached my teen years. I thought as it gets to becoming more comfortable to those who didn’t want to see it happen; our country would come together. I was a bit off on that assumption, but it is getting better to a greater degree than it was before. I see persons, I only see their ideologies when I speak with the person and he or she reveals to me, how and what they think and feel.
“Reverence is the recognition of things that are greater than ourselves, and fear, is their messenger!” (From The I Ching)
God is to be revered, not interpreted, not understood as we do the multiplication tables at school. God has a place beyond our truest understanding, so we are left to agree with beliefs that we cannot support empirically.
I see myself as focusing far too much on what’s wrong with me as opposed to what’s right with me! I have a lot to offer, some wisdom, (not much, maybe, but some!) I’m a helpful person, I switch the power of pain from the forefront of the mind to the background if a person allows me to do so.
I can be a bit of an ass, but who can’t from time to time?
Asking myself if I can be happy in the middle of all of this emotional shit is a good thing. Some days I can while on others, I’m stuffed inside of a steel cage with a I square inch breathing hole, in the middle of a desert with a deluge of flood water coming to swallow up the box! Anyone else know this feeling?
We’re not deformed “Quasimodo’s” we’re injured and traumatized persons who are tying to find ways to feel better while we try to find heling. And we’ll get there, because we have the drive to be on this site, and on the chat, and that takes strength and determination and a will to become better than you might be right now!
I learned a lesson a while back: it’s all relevant. But yesterday’s foul-ups are done, tomorrow isn’t a given, so why the hell am I wasting so much time on the two things that one; I cannot change, and two; I may never get to?
Wasteful, isn’t it? Hell yes, it is!
So yes, I know that I can be happy and deal with PTSI issues. I know this for sure because I dealt with child loss, parental loss, friends who are now gone, deaths of persons whose lives were in my care but there was nothing that I cold do outside of comforting them for the trip to the end of their lives. and that… is a shytburger to swallow!
PTSI is a dog, but I can bite it back if I take my time and realize that my ability to be patient is more than it’s rush to infiltrate and invade my life, it gets on my nerves, and sometimes I say “what the fu-ck, why don’t I just yell at this thing and get it over with!?”
Suicidal? OK, figure out how not to be! I did it, and I do it now, and my weakened ass is no match for someone who is still strong of body AND mind! So don’t give up on yourself, look for that feel better place and dive the hell into it like a freshly cleaned swimming pool and chillax for a while!
Happiness can be a bit overrated if it is looked at as the be all of my existence hell, there has to be some variety to this life-thing. Ii found it here, with Tim, Sue, Journey, Coach, Natalie, Kate, and others. (I’m on pain meds, so I can’t recall everyone without seeing the names, so please, don’t be offended if I left you off of the list!)
So… let’s be happy when we can, sad when we can’t help it, but on the search all of the time, because what you add may not work for you, but it may be the missing piece for someone else’s well-being!
Love to all of PTSI family!