When all of the light seems to have been sucked out of your life, you might want to take a few moments to not do anything, not even try to think of anything, because it just is one of those moments that defy description and outshines easily found definitions. Just live in it and wait for it to pass you by, because outside of this, the death of emotional stability is the most likely of outcomes.
But light can be overrated at times I often find that I enjoy a little darkness. Hell, sometimes I just don’t want to know where I am! The expectation of being acutely aware at all times is really an exaggeration of demand from other persons, sometimes unwinding means emptying the old brainpan from time to time and just letting it all flow away from the senses.
Why this would cause a sense of panic to anyone else is so beyond me that I just let it go as well! I don’t give much credence any longer to the whims of other people’s requirements of what or how I should be, I live my own life. I’ll assist anyone if I can, but I won’t do so by dismissing my need to be who I am as a requirement to be allowed to do so!
Emotional conditions which demand energy from the normal activities of the mind are such pervasive constructs. Demanding that you think about pains that you were not even aware that you had, and then demanding that you describe to it, why you have them! If emotional conditions were people, tell me that you wouldn’t be willing to kick the living hell out of them, C’mon, somebody is out there who is saying that they would be more passive in how they would deal with them, but I’m not one of them, attackers need to be addressed aggressively if they are going to continue to screw with my head!
I disconnected a piece of my compassionate nature in dealing with PYSI a long while back, and so far, I have to admit that I don’t miss that part very much! Hell, sometimes you just want to punch the stuffing out of the bag so that it will know how you feel! For a change, I would like my counselor, therapist, or Dr. to know how this shyte feels, no up or down, or even sideways, often all the directions are trying to exist at once! How do I explain this coherently to someone who has never been there?
Explanations, definitions, who in the heck do we have to be for these people? In my mind, PTSI and severe depression are bad enough, but to try to seem as if these invasions are not happening to me, is just as outrageous as are the damned conditions!
I forgive myself often. When I go into an internal tirade after I see someone who has done something so asinine that I feel that donkey should gut-kick them over a high fence, I remember that I too, have done some damned foolish things myself! My prescription bottle of conditions are not purely a result of outside influences, I’ve added some of the ingredients to this nasty-tasting dish, myself!
When I am reminded of this fact; that’s when I wouldn’t mind a little darkness to hide those truths. Just for a little while. I’m not a mechanical device, I actually feel the fatigue as my gears are whirring at full speed, I don’t just break down and need to be repaired, I feel pain and apprehension and I feel that I need to slow down before it catches up to me and demolishes me!
Light shines into the faces of my family as well. They go through this field of nightmares with me at times. When I’m quiet and reserved to the point where I am almost unresponsive to them, they feel that I have found a problem with them, and don’t understand that I am in my escape mode. I just don’t want to think because then the flood might start up the overflowing of information that I don’t want to think about. I can’t make it plain to myself, so there is no way for me to do so for them!
It’s like being pinned down by a heavy and large weight that has my arms pinned down and I can’t take a good breath, it feels like I’m slowly being crushed to death,
Often the people who love us are a little insensitive but this is not intentional, they just want the people whom they love to be normal, and they can’t help but feel useless when the loved one is going through an unseen and anomalous situation. This is how we’re indoctrinated into this world. Normal and abnormal is how we are taught to see people. Not as a person who may have differences in their physical and emotional make-ups, no, if you’re not the same as most of us, then you are the abnormal one, the one who should be singled out and made fun of, bullied and abused.
Fairytale stories start us onto the road of emotional questionability: “Rock-a-bye baby”, who in the hell would place their baby’s crib into the top of a tree and tie it there with a bow? “Jack and the beanstalk” this ill-mannered little jerk disobeys his mother, sells the cow for beans, climbs a beanstalk, steals from a giant, and kills the man when he chops down the beanstalk as he is trying to retrieve his stolen items! “Hansel and Gretel” two school skipping, thieves who steal from someone’s home, and then, the owner tries to bake them in a pie for their troubles. Oh yes, these stories give a child a firm lock on how they should aspire to be as they grow up!
Cartoons that show nothing other than violence as a way to solve all of your problems. A schools system designed to create little automatons who are crippled when they are expected to create a self-directed solution or construct, based solely on their own imaginations! My goodness, we’re creating a generation of emotionally endangered people!
I have seen good persons come unglued and fall apart because they were s busy taking care of others, that they forgot to be a little selfish from time to time and take off for their own sakes. A workaholic who feels that is he takes a vacation he’ll lose his job. The dancer in the chorus line who will dance on a hobbled leg to keep her place in the line. Crippling herself in the near future and having no more dancing career left to speak of for all of the hard work she has put in to create the possibility in the first place, patriotic people who get maimed or die in wars that have no meaning to the security of their nations.
Yes, it all builds up and it all counts!
The good news?
It doesn’t always have to be this way. Each of us can put pieces of emotional damming, into a dump truck to be hauled away. Hey! You don’t need some individual with a degree, to give you permission to do this either, you can just do it on your own! Abused? Let it go and move forward one piece at a time; easy? No, but yes it is doable for every one of us, every blessed one of us!
Soldier? Deployments have a deleterious effect on each of you, not necessarily attached to a combat situation either. Maybe just the idea of dealing with being away from one’s family, or the delaying of a planned and important event. Or the uncertainty of the safety of loved ones you had to leave behind. The pieces to this puzzle are many and diverse.
Looking is a starting point, but the look does not have to become a stare, it can be a quick glancing, just to get one’s bearings. Yes, there are times when a complete leaping from the edge into the water below may be the only answer, but knowing the differences, is what will make you know you have some strength and some wholeness within you of which you may have been lost to for some time.
There have been times when I have prayed for a stormy day, just not to have the task of looking at the sunshine and the blue sky and dealing with memories that were happy, because at that particular time I was feeling a hell of a lot less than happy! Depression is not so easy to describe, not even to oneself! Why do questions of the need for a descriptive answer come into the picture? Because the person asking, has no idea how it feels to be so depressed that you would prefer death to having awakened on the most beautiful day you have ever seen. This type of arrogance brings my blood to boiling at times, I just want to shout!
Staring out of my window, I can see the person who was outgoing, participating in life, doing the things other people only thought about, “damn, that guy was pretty damned special,!” he doesn’t live here anymore, his address is unknown and I’m not even sure I want to find out where he is anymore.
Even sad news is news too you know! Good is better, but sad is a part of the matrix, so complaining about it, is just a waste of time for me, so I don’t really do this, I just deal with it, even if it is in solitude and depression. What the hell, I’m human too!
Let’s all do an exercise” take an hour, sit in a dark room and don’t think. This is difficult because while you’re trying not to do any thinking, you’ll be thinking about not thinking!
I didn’t say the exercise was going to be easy!