Monday, October 2, 2017, 1600 Hrs
I have an emotional illness. I am not bragging about this, I’m just stating the facts as they are according to my own life. Peace is difficult to find in the light of opaque darkness. The specificity of what is or is not cogent to our current circumstances can be over and understated in so far as seeking the truth about who and how we truly happen to be as an individual(s).
Subjectivity can ruin the best chances of beginning a truthful self-relationship because the opening for falsification comes into play. Many will deny this, many will try to blame it on other persons, but many won’t ever think about this, they will look away from the brightness of the inner light that can be such a revealing aspect of what we are inside.
Ascension into self-awareness can be as difficult for an individual as is giving birth to a baby because it can be the bringing in of a new life. Or in another definition; re-birthing of original life. We are all subjects of earth, physics, and physiological aspects of existence in order that we can attune ourselves across all lines if we try to let go of assumptive and prejudicial beliefs. We can attempt as much as we will, but lying to our own minds is not one that will yield anything close to positive results. Maybe we are lying to ourselves to achieve the balance that we know we have lost, but whatever it is, it is not sustainable for healthy emotional stability.
Distress can self-magnify, causing a small crack to seem like an impassable chasm. I feel this way often, I can only say that I dislike it a lot, and I wish that it would go away and just never come back. But I know how unrealistic this is to think, so I try to limit such fantasies from my mind.
I have had the most trouble trying to trust myself with my own safety. Imagine trusting the person who was willing to take my life! I don’t believe in no-wins, but I do believe that there are some losses which cannot be avoided. I saw suicide as the means to the ending of my pain, and if I didn’t have this thing called “faith”, I might just have not thought about consequences that might exist on the other side of life that would be waiting for me to suffer in that are more than a match for anything I deal with now, and might just go on for eternity! Damn, that’s scary!
Imagination can be a hell of a thing!
Believing in something that is nothing, and disbelieving in something that is truly something and never having an empirical way to prove either can be stressful and culminate in distressing after effects. So why should I try? Because that is what humans have to do; figure things out, levitate towards learning what is outside of the inside and accepting that the inside is better than the outside. Damned confusing, no? any reason to wonder why emotions can be under assault from so many directions at one time?
Being self-aware can be frightening, but being less than aware can and is stifling and unlimitedly depressing to every part of life. It expresses itself beyond understanding and it lets nothing that seems soothing get by its gate.
Every person has an obligation to submit to humanity, there are no other options from which to choose. But sometimes it is the actions of other humans that make this decision difficult to accept.
A shooter from a tower or a hotel room. A war-torn area where inhuman treatment is used as an everyday tactic of control and physical and psychological abuses directed toward and at victims who are powerless to protect themselves from the process, it all adds up.
Self-availability can be difficult even to accept as a concept when the mind is racing toward an exit that it can never find. So many who may read this might see it as whining, but for those who have experience with how this works, it is damnable and it is contemptible in its damaging and long-lasting effects on the safety of one’s inner self. It can be unrelenting and disproportionately inclusive inside of the functioning of the individual into whose life it has intruded.
Can anyone acknowledge that they are seeing a sky in a blue that is different from everyone else’s? if they say so; how could they prove it, without the ability to experience blue with someone else’s sight? This is how I see assumptive conclusions by persons who have never seen the world while trying to see it through the fractious nature of emotions gone wild.
I apologize here.
There are no conclusions for me to offer, just the question in the title. I’m searching as well as is anyone else here so I won’t presume to lie about my expertise on healing what is still damaged within my own self. Sorry, I own me, not anyone else!