Wednesday, October 11, 2017, 0930 Hrs.
Knowledge, the process of taking in information and storing it for later usage. I used to love knowledge acquisition, and in some ways I still do. But one day, I had an episodic event that took me back to an event of which I had forgotten about, and this was not such a good recalling of a learned piece of information, it reminded me of being unsafe and being in danger.
When we are young, we are molded by the parents and the events that swirl around us, they shape how we think and how we feel about what life is, often it is an exaggerated shot of information, but until we become more in tune with the use of our intellectual abilities, we can only react to what it is we are being exposed.
Formative years, those in which we are more apt to be shaped into our future selves, are important and they should be shaped with care and with a sense of safety and coherency; unfortunately, this is not always the case. Children who grow up in war-torn areas do not have access to this sort of experience, they are exposed to horrors the likes of which most people can try to imagine. Seeing death on your doorstep hearing the sound of bombs exploding, smelling the pungency of death all around you is not something with which the young mind is prepared for in any sense, and this sticks with the person, throughout their lifetime, it is never too far away from the surface of their thoughts.
For a person who knows nothing but the sounds and the smells of war, life can seem to be a zero-sum probability. Their ability to trust is shattered daily, and often many times daily at that. Recovery from such torment is difficult if not impossible, some persons never find themselves removed from this sort of life, and thus, they are never able to heal, not ever!
I do not want to imagine their pain and their absolute terror, I don’t want to think that human beings are capable of creating this sort of an atmosphere, but I know that they are capable and even willing to do so!
In this case, a person will never know that they can be internally different, that they could have had an internal identity which provided safety and a lack of the craziness of death and confusion and fear and waiting to be one of the victims of the many identities war can create in a person’s life. They do not know that there is a different way to live because from the beginning of their lives, this has been what is normal.
I grew up in a neighborhood that was diverse to a degree, it had its problems, but until someone decided that starting a riot was a thing that they should do one night, the violence of war was something that existed on television. It was on “Twelve O’clock High”, “Combat” and shows of that nature. I saw the war on the news, not truly knowing that the events were not staged, but that real lives were being lost until I saw a monk set himself on fire to protest what was going on. Then, it became a more real thing to me. But even then, I could turn it off, I didn’t have soldiers running around in my neighborhood, killing each other, so even then, it had a wide berth from what was my reality on a daily basis.
My granddad told me stories about how world war one was, being black was no picnic for him and others, but they went, and when they were finally allowed to fight, they went all0in! He was proud of the actions he and his company took, even though they didn’t come back to a reception for those who committed such loyalty an sacrifice to their country.
Identity: the definition of who I am internally and outwardly. I love being who I am. Some people will never share this feeling, they will always feel that who they are, is why they are inside of their particular circumstances. It will always be in their minds, their fault that they are exposed to the brutalities of life. It will be their fault that they are being abused, they will learn to accept that they are being punished for being alive and that only when their abusers are ready for it to happen, will their existence no longer be a necessity. My goodness, to feel this way has to be terrifying!
My terrors come from a different place, they come from where I’ve been physically and emotionally. I can often let these sink into the mists of the nothingness of forgotten things, but I am blessed in this way, I can think my way into the nicer places of who I am. Of course, this is not always the case, but it is at least a possibility for me, and when I am in an episodic event, I can try to think my way away from some of the startling aspects of what an event is trying to do to me. I pray for this for other persons. The abuse victims, the war victims, those who are so emotionally scarred that they never feel safe.
Identity is a good thing for most of us, but for someone who has been enveloped inside of the terror dome all of their life, it has to be demonizing to see themselves as the catalyst for why they are in such torment and pain. I cannot begin to imagine it, nor would I want to, being honest about the subject.
I hope that I can offer to any person who is going through this at least one piece of hope. It does not have to be this way. You are not the cause, you are the receptacle of someone else’s propensity for being inhumane, you are being victimized, but help is out here. I will not say that it easily accessed, but it is searchable and findable.
Sometimes, for some people, identity can be too accessible, it can be too overwhelming to deal with, but that’s when you seek help, it’s not your fault that multiple aspects of your identity can spill over into each other, this is simply overload, and it can be controlled and even stopped altogether with the right kinds of treatments and therapeutic dynamics added to your arsenal of care.
Try to remember this: you have to have an identity. Being who you are is what makes a world of people, a world worth living in. yes, there are some people who are absolutely terrible additions, but you do not have to be their victims, nor do you have to be a self-victim either. You have choices beyond your imagination and this is so important to remember and then to use.