Thursday, October 12, 2017, 1700 Hrs.
I have to get something cleared up here and now.
I talk a lot about the negative aspects of PTSI and I don’t want to leave the impression that my only life is one of fears and events that distract my life from being livable, no, that would be untrue, an outright lie, actually! I still have happiness in my life, and it’s pretty damned substantial at times.
But if I were to answer the “is it normal more than not?” question; I would have to be honest and say “no!” I have bad days, and these can be debilitating as a rule. But to say that there are never days where I smile and laugh? No, I can’t do that to myself. But I can say this: depression can pop itself into the situation more than I care to admit, and I hate depression’s interference with my life.
Emotional injury is only a part of my story, it is not the 100% of who Christopher is. I happen to have a sense of humor, and I love to laugh, I love to hear other people laugh and I like to see them smile. This is my true self, the laugh-a-minute guy who wants nothing more than to be a positive influence and a happy occurrence in the lives of the people he meets. Not easily accomplished because I have met some real grouches in my day, but it never keeps me from smiling, that kind of power is never given away, it has to be stolen. PTSI steals it from time to time.
I laughed at cartoons growing up. I laughed at funny television shows and movies, and I did so with a lot of energy, so much so that at times, I would laugh myself sick! No problem: clean up, get back to the laughter, unfortunately, PTSI doesn’t always allow for this step to be accomplished quite so easily. Damned emotional injury!
Never laughed at the Coyote as he overran the ground and had to wait until he realized that he was in midair before he fell a thousand feet down? Well, I have, a lot!
There are a lot of motivations for me to laugh, even when I am in a severe state of depression, but you know what, while I’m laughing, I don’t think about the depression I just laugh! It’s fun to laugh, even when after I’m done doing so, I go right back to the depression I was feeling before I started. Thus is life for all people, I have to imagine because I have no way of knowing for sure.
This guy here … he gave me many minutes of laughter as he said he “would not fail!” and then succeeded in doing so, every single time! What I really liked about him was that he never stopped trying, and I guess for me, that’s my deal with any illness or harsh situation I face: I don’t give up!
I pray for all people to have this attitude, not giving up because it gets too difficult to want to deal with it any longer. PTSI and any other emotional issue should not have the victory over anyone. We should live in spite of its presence and its intrusion into our lives. Who in hell said it needs to be easy? But it does have to be done!
Do it, just don’t find an excuse to stop, just keep going, even if an inch at a time, the movement is just that: away from where you are, toward where you want to be!
Love and strength,