Friday, October 27, 2017, 1630 Hrs.
Scattered amongst what looks to be debris, is the pieces of our lives. How can we know which pieces to pick up to piece together in a whole, and which to leave behind?
This is easy to answer: you can’t leave anything out, you have to put it all together to make the whole of who you are!
I find that being told there are things from my life that I have to let go of to be shortsighted and very intellectually incompetent. Even the worst things that have happened to me, happened to ME! How can I be whole if I let that piece fall away? Maybe I can work on limiting or erasing the effects of the events upon my emotions, but I cannot be whole if I allow pieces of myself to be left out of the whole picture of me!
I think I’ve said this before: look down into a broken mirror, as you see your reflection, it is not all there in one piece, it is fractured, and many cases there are parts that are not seen because the glass is no longer there to cast a reflection. How does living in this way, make any sense?
From early in our lives we are taught to be conformists and to try to fit in, not to make waves, not to upset the boat, all of the clichés that brought me so much pain growing up. I hated to be told that I shouldn’t think about it or other such stupidity. If you’ve been attacked, how do I accomplish not thinking about what happened? Who came up with this mealy-mouthed non-advice?
Better than that last question, I guess I should ask, why did I take it and try to use it? I wonder if I would accept advice telling me to stay in my house, as I watched a wildfire approaching it with such ease? Or whether or not I would simply stand still, while I was watching a bear coming to attack me or someone I love?
Gaining perspective is difficult even for adults at times. Doing so as a child? This is almost next to impossible! As a child, I sought the protection of my parents, I expected that they would be able to figure it all out for me because that’s what they were there for. I can’t imagine a child who did not have this relationship feeling safe or happy, it just does not add up to a positive conclusion.
I was fortunate I guess I should say, but even with this shield of protection, things got through the net, incidents took place, and events happened to cause emotional trauma. No one is immune, no one is totally safe, no one can claim invincibility to the possibilities of the world around them.
PTSI tells me stuff. All or most of the information I receive from PTSI is incorrect or just downright lies! I feel unsafe, unsure, unsteady, unavailable to or for myself or others, I feel susceptible to dangers that are probably not real, I feel stunned by emotional events that are instantaneously disruptive to my current situations, and I feel alone, in all of this! That’s where PTSI gets to me, the feeling of being alone, with no place to turn, and nowhere to run. Sometimes I want to hide from PTSI, but how do I accomplish this since it resides inside of my own mind?
It is called “taking a chance” that movement will not cause me any harm, or that even if harm shows its face, I will be able to effectively deal with the consequences of the present. Will I live forever as a frightened person who will not try to live a life beyond the doors of the privacy of my home, or will I get out, and get into life again? I ask myself this question more times in a day than I can count, or at least than I care to count.
Who makes up the rules to life? Who is it that says that something is right to think or wrong, or wrong to do or right? Why do we live by rules which seem to have a negative effect on the lives of all the people with whom they come into contact? If the rules cause harm, should we not ignore them? Or at the very least, change them into less degrading modes of what they are today?
I live, breathe, think, want, desire, I emote, I emit, I transmit, and I develop, I am a human being, nothing more special than is anyone else, with the exception that I am the only ME, that exists as who I happen to be in this form! Wait, I guess that does make me sort of special; huh? Well, no more than anyone else is, at least on an individual basis.
- Live today like tomorrow will never arrive because it might not!
- Live with your whole self, past included, it takes too much energy to pretend that bad stuff has never happened to me.
- Live with the willingness to own everything about me, good and bad.
- Live to help others, it’s not all about me.
- Live beyond the lies that PTSI is telling me, I am NOT a disorder, I’m a person living with unhealed emotional injuries.
- Live in acceptance that some people will just not be nice to me about my condition, and get on with my life.
- Live to own my own self, and not try to control other people.