Thursday, November 2, 2017, 1800 Hrs.
Alive or dead? Which is the more significant for we as human beings?
I have had a number of people whom I loved, to die, never to be heard from or seen again. Someone once told me that I shouldn’t worry about this because I would see this person in another life. I found that difficult to understand as a child, as I watched the box containing my loved one go into the ground. It never felt like a rite of passage or a transition to another plane, it felt like a painful loss!
You see, I still feel certain losses as if they took place in the recent past. My grandmother is definitely on this list! No one could have prepared me for her loss, she was a friend and a teacher without par in my eyes! She would tell me the truth about the world and not whitewash it because I was a young child. I asked her about death, and she said it would happen to her and that one day, it would happen to me as well, so I shouldn’t be afraid of it, it has to have a meaning, or it wouldn’t be this way. She was so wise, and she had been through more than I can say in this limited space. But she came through it, and she taught us to be good and decent people, who were willing to help all people, even those who didn’t like us because that’s the way God wants for us to be.
When she died, a big part of my ability to trust, went into the ground with that lady! She was an anchor in a port that often had unsure waters beating against my boat. My parents had their parts, but my Nanna was the one who I got the inside info from! I am still taking her death hard.
Alive is better than dead in my estimation, knowing that life has an expiration date isn’t very comfortable for most people. For me, insofar as my own life is concerned; I’m cool with dying. Maybe this is a cowardly way to be, but I just don’t want to deal with the deaths of the people I care about.
Deaths are numerous and they touch all of us in some way. Someone who may have died years ago that you never knew, may become an issue for you by your getting to know someone who was affected by that particular death. We never know how the future plays itself out in our lives.
I have stories that prevent me from forgetting important people from my life who have died, and this in no way makes me different than anyone else, with the exception that I deal with it as Christopher, and as no one else! Personal identity is one of the things that we can never afford to lose. PTSI tries to take away my personal identity and tell me that I am less than I am, and will never be any more than I am right now. This liar is like the devil who is described in the bible. It taunts me, it tells me lies, it makes me feel on edge more often than not, it tells me that I am seeing and feeling things which are not truly there.
A person here, on this site, gave me a reason to pause, a chance to rethink the thoughts that PTSI was telling me that I needed to follow. Take my own life, is what it was telling me to do. It told me that I wouldn’t be missed because I wasn’t worth anything anyway, so why prolong the process and take us space and resources?
It may sound ridiculous to some, but this is how I felt at that time. Like the voice was making it alright for me to commit suicide! PTSI is a liar and it is a dangerous companion for every life that it touches!
Counseling, therapy, medications, chanting, yoga, meditation, all of these things can have a deal in helping to ease some of the symptoms, but for me, I am so wrapped inside of a cocoon of despair that I don’t think I’ll have time for anything to do so, before I take the plunge into the unknown of forever being gone. I don’t regret this, I just say it as it is for me. Maybe something will change the course that I am on right now, but maybe that switch in the tracks will never be tripped, and I’ll keep straight on into the night of non-existence. Only time will tell.
But I will say this: I’m going down living, not dying!
Disturbances in the flow of any flowing thing, cause all kinds of chaos ad our minds are flowing things, it collects, remembers, analyzes and sorts out data all day long, millions of pieces of information probably by the second. But we never think about it, until it seems not to be acting normally. This sort of “for granted” living, is nothing new, and we all do it. Trouble takes us into an awareness dynamic, a zone of “I need to know what’s going on here!” that we are not often faced with, but we find ways of dealing with most of these upheavals, they just don’t have any substance to them, and our minds sweep them out of the way.
Then, we have those events that injure us, the ones that cause damage,, even if we are unaware of it when it happens. This is where the tuff things begin.
Years later, one can awaken to a nightmare from which even though they are awake, they cannot escape. Ghosts, ghouls, monstrosities, apparitions that are so real, it’s like living inside of an o;;d Vincent Price horror movie. Me, that’s how I describe some of what I’m dealing with.
I don’t know if I will ever have true relief from this condition, but I’m willing to bet on my strength of will to keep up the steps that I need to take to keep pace with what it may be trying to do to me at any given moment. It’s going to have to pull out all of its tricks, to take me out. Other things may be unbeatable, but if a painting of a zebra could give me the strength to not fall on that blade, and to take a deep enough breath to hold on for one more day, and so on; then I guess to beat me, PTSI better bring its lunch, because it’s got a full-time job in trying!