Tonight, I sit here feeling like my heart and soul want to implode. I hardly have the encouragement for them to continue on. That may be a terrible admission, when I try to help others, and see the “bright side”.
Still, I think the truth, combined with gearing up again after a time, may be the best possible, and maybe the only, solution to the reality that makes you feel like hating this day, others like it, and maybe for a little while, life itself.
I am not suicidal. It’s just hard to care to see another day when you understand what horrors others are facing. Murder is not easy to comprehend.
There’s no consolation of any kind available. It did not have to happen, and yet it did. Done is done, and gone is gone…forever… These people did not have to be lost. Neither did the ones in Antioch, TN or Charleston, SC, Las Vegas, or any of the other places over the years.
After the fact, and at a much later time, all you can do is use it for good, for reaching out, stopping something else that is bad from happening later, or helping someone else piece things together and figure out how to go on. We who understand, can be useful in that.
In the mean time, on the night of another senseless event, I feel sad…lonely…bewildered…forlorn here, wanting some kind of comfort or explanation…just as they do there… But we who were not the ones literally in the line of fire, have to do what we can to help and support those going through the worst of things. We already have a lot of the answers, ourselves. We just have to bring them back up to the surface, so our time-worn lessons can be useful to those who need them most.
My heart breaks more knowing from experience, that the notifications, the funerals, the every-holiday feeling of loss will return, forever, and at times seem “closer in” than the will to go on for a little while. The laughter you remember of the one(s) lost, and wish to hear again will not be returning on this earth.
A day in November was lonely for me anyway… Same exact feeling, different date… My prayer is, from this day forward that no more understand how this is from experience. Let them know from reading or watching, and with that, help others, in the best way they can, cope with the open emotional wounds and the scars.
Prayers for all affected tonight in Sutherland Springs, and for those who are reminded of their own similar losses by this one.