Monday, November 13, 2017, 1520 Hrs.
Errantly, I may give the impression that my whole life is wrapped inside of PTSI, let me clear this fallacy right now because it most certainly is not true! I have a life, and I have contributions I’ve made to the lives of others, and I have not always been commissioned to carry this burdensome idiot we call emotional illness as a backpack of extra and most unwanted baggage!
A sky that has an identity inspires me. A few clouds to show me that the world is still able to upload all of its entities even though it may also be under the stresses that humans place upon it, make me feel that I am not alone when I feel the pressure of outside stressors that are interrupting me and forcing to play the game of life, without knowing who is making up the rules.
My now late mother still inspires me. She taught me a lot of things as I grew from the baby she bore into the youngster an then as the adult I eventually became. She was patient because I was a definite pain in the ass to deal with! I wanted to know everything, and I thought that all adults knew everything, so I assaulted her and my dad with the “why?” “how?” “who?” “when can I?” and a litany of other questions that would make most parents want to reverse-adopt-me out to another set of parents. But they loved me and tolerated all of what made me…me. Cool, huh?
Then all of a sudden, I was thrown a curveball, and I had never seen one before, a family friend tried to make me perform a sexually gratifying event on his person, and I was lucky enough that I learned how to fight and hit properly enough to end that attempt with no questions about it! Not bragging here, just telling it the way that it happened.
Learning that what I was learning was actually useful, was a great inspiration to me, to be sure! I had no reasons at this time to feel as if I needed anything to help me along in life other than to learn and keep on a straight path.
Time has a funny way if unwinding my perceived and accepted measurements of the truth. It was like finding out that the milk I was drinking came from such a dirty place, that it had to be sterilized and reconstituted before it could be sold for consumption. Or that “Captain Kangaroo”, was not actually living inside of my TV set. I was heartbroken when I found out that I couldn’t just turn on the set, and get to see “Mr. Moose” whenever I wanted, oh well, the beliefs of a childhood die the hardest.
Then, one day, I heard a song on the radio and I realized that I was going to be a musician! The singing gene that seemed to belong to every other member of my family, definitely skipped my vocal capabilities, but I could play instruments, and that was cool for me! I enjoyed listening and playing music, it became more than important, it became life!
I am inspired today, by people who fight the odds that tell them that giving up, is the best thing they’ll ever do. That to struggle to achieve even the most minute of success is just not in their cards. Emotionally injured persons like me can be fooled into accepting this as being inescapably truthful, and we give in before we’ve even used the energies that would have made us give out, due to exhaustion.
A baby walking for the first time, unsure as t whether or not he will fall, but so determined to at least try, that not even this fear can stop the process, is inspiring. The hopeful, yet still frightened faces of the parents, tells me that these people care about this child, and this gives me the inspiration to want to see if one day, a child similar to this one, or maybe even this child, will offer the world something that will positively enhance the lives of strangers he or she will never know.
PTSI tries to take away my ability to be inspired, but most of the time that it tries, it fails, I gave up a few times, I gave in to the lies, of PTSI, but I was awakened in a moment of my most desperately weak state of mind. A glance at my computer screen set my view on an art piece of a zebra, it intrigued me because it has this one eye that seemed to be staring into my soul. I could hear the questions my family and friends would ask about why I did this. The eye seemed to be making me ask myself: “Why the hell are you doing this?”
You know how it turned out from there because I’ve taken up a lot of your time with my scribblings.
Inspiration is internal before it is externally motivated to come to my attention. It is my unwillingness to accept its presence that inhibits my seeing it, I know this now, as I have known it for a long time. But in those times when I disallow myself the gift of being inspired, I am more miserable than at any other time I can think of.
PTSI can get in the way of my inspirational moments, and at times, it can even destroy my pathway to even accessing them, but it loses in the end, because focus on the living of my life, then the winning of a war with an injury that tries to keep me from feeling well enough to be myself.
So yes, sunrises, puppies, kittens, babies, and music all give me access to feeling inspired. But what I have learned the hard way, is that I “must” want to see the inspiration inside of me, before, I can see it outwardly.
I hope this makes sense, because it is my truth, and it feels good when I feel inspired.