Sometimes things have to “be taken out of our hides” for a full, deep understanding. That is, figuratively, how my morning started. I will admit, I did get to the understanding…
I needed to find the right words to express what I knew inside. I hope they are here in this writing. If not, let me know, and I will try again…
The strong are those who walk into days like these, live them, analyze them, and take the lessons and use them to help anyone who needs them. Like an army, we have to “march” forward, in turn. We become “next up” in line by becoming stronger. We get to the front line when we are ready, willing and able to speak.
We don’t want to “go into battle”, but if we are strong enough, and maybe more experienced in a certain pain than others we know of, it is up to us to take action, and show by example, the next steps to take. That is a choice each has to make. When we survive in front of all, they have an example of what actions will work. Someone else did that for us. The best we can do is be “on display”, as we can, succeeding or starting again, and thereby giving hope.
Now to the point…
When I woke up at 3 a.m., I felt an abandonment in diffent ways to the core of me, wishing I had someone to tell, but only a loyal someone who truly cared and understood. There was a silence of “no one there” in a way I don’t usually feel.
Showing such vulnerability is hard for me, too, but I have heard several friends whom I have bonded to (speaking for my part of the friendship, not theirs), talk about suicides and wishing they could have helped those who were lost. They will carry this with them forever. It is something that is not unfamiliar to me.
In honor of these good hearts and souls, and to make use of the lives lost that they did not get the chance to help, I will, as one comfortable in the background, stand “front and center”, in my feelings of abandonment that I believe add reasons in those otherwise predisposed to suicidal feelings. I am not so predisposed.
If I had had someone to talk to this morning, I would have asked one thing most important to me for the telling, “Feel free to walk away and not look back, but whatever you do, do not pass me on to someone else.” That, to me, is the height of abandonment and betrayal. It is one of the ultimate broken trusts. I am giving you my raw, unfiltered emotion in this.
“Please, if you don’t walk away, if you choose to stay and listen, then don’t you, too, throw me away. I don’t need the ‘greatest, most well-matched expertise’. I need heart and soul. I chose you. Please honor that.”
It is not “a feeling of betrayal” that I would have if you do not honor my request. It is betrayal, itself. It is another reason people would rather stay silent than risk it. Understand that.
This is not a police interview. You are not searching for facts to solve anything, except the pain in someone’s heart. Build trust through truth.
The question could arise, “If I am not worth even your honesty and your loyalty, then what am I worth, and why am I here?”…
Do not abandon or betray someone who has found strength, seemingly out of nowhere, to talk for the first time…or the fiftieth. Be forever loyal. If you aren’t, then whom were you representing in the first place, disguised as a friend?
I am the worst storyteller in the world, and choose to remain so. Let your secret story be known only to the one other you designated, if I am your choice. Let all related negatives fall on me. I am strong.
As one who is not credentialed as any type of counselor, I am fine with remaining nameless and in the background, to be what is most important for me to be for you…”safe” and “loyal”. “Safe” and “loyal” are the only titles I need in this. The greatest honor lies within these.
In this way, I am a possible first step for one who could otherwise not say a word. This step, and the next step are up to you. My heart is with the watchers. I know your abandonment, and feelings of being, in ways, help captive.
I am my own best friend. I do not betray myself. Sometimes, things are heavier than I wish to handle, myself. Two in the mix lightens the load. Believe me, though, I can take care of all of this by myself. It is preferable to disloyalty.
When you pass me on to someone else, you are placing me into the uncertain unknown, and handing me to someone I have not chosen. My story, alone, is all the uncertainty I can handle. My choices in you and in talking, instantly become the worst decisions I have made.
So often, having someone trustworthy who cares is more needed than the exchange of information. Restoring someone’s faith in the honesty of at least one other person on earth is paramount. Not feeling alone because of a true and honest heart and soul connection will go farther than any “clinical” professional counseling ever could.
See me writing. See me healing. See me reaching out to others.
Writing this has helped me sort the confusion, and I hope I have expressed nearly exactly what others feel, too. If not, let this be a starting point for you, anyway. Change the words of my truth into those that fit yours. Tell your story, when you can, anonymously, if that is safer for you. It is important for your own healing. I wish you all the best…
My hope is that this topic would become the basis for a discussion…