Sunday, December 10, 2017, 2100 Hrs.
I talk about it, I write about it, I live inside of the dynamics, I live in the fears and the uncertainties that are all too often a big part of what it is. The “what’ of which I speak is an emotional illness which has been brought on by emotional injuries, abusive treatments, exposure to insidious events like warfare, consistent starvation, deaths from diseases, all kinds of negative information that is impacting your mind on a constant basis.
I am not ashamed of having PTSI, I am humbled by some its aspects, it makes me feel less than I should feel about myself, it makes me feel afraid that someone else can see it and will know that I am affected by what is happening inside of my mind, I become self-conscious of looks, comments, and other aspects of a normal socialized day of living. I don’t socialize much anymore, I’m more homebound than anything else. Oh, I try to get away from this, but my emotions set afire when I challenge them to go back to the way they used to react. They turn against me and fire up the heat inside of my mind.
I have to re-learn how to prioritize my own self-worth, my own sense of self-esteem and my real value to myself, and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to remove some of the problems I face as a carrier of this issue we call an emotional illness. Who wrote the rules of social etiquette and the rules of proper social behaviors, that one should conform to even against his or her own abilities to maintain self-identity to achieve the demands brought by these made-up sets of contrived ordinances? Do you feel uncomfortable because something is truly wrong with you, or do you feel so because it’s what is expected by the society and you know that it is not how you are wired to be?
I feel uncomfortable with myself at times because I feel the differences fighting against each other. The original me, fighting to become the influencing entity, while the new and much less desirable me, wants to rule, to dictate and to dissuade me from doing anything positive for me or for others. This anomalous me is a pain in the gut! Trying to explain this is difficult, but not doing so makes it seem unreal to the outsider, there is no way for me to feign this level of discomfort.
I do know that if I don’t sacrifice a little of my own comfort, I won’t be able to lay down tracks to find healing for myself, and while I’m doing this, I have to consider the needs of other people as well, we are all n need of a better tomorrow that will not arrive unless influence is added to the process, the type of which can cause directive changes. I used to think that maybe I was asking for a little too much in this department, but this was when I was feeling alone in y struggles, I was either unaware of or did not want to be bothered with the fact that other people were dealing with this condition as much as I was, so I left myself in the lurch, in the cut, in the background area of grayness where I could hardly have been seen. Hiding was my deal then, and to some degree, it is today.
Frequently I ask myself about how far I am willing to go in my self-discovery about my emotional injuries and the true causes for them, I remember some with terrifying clearness, while some just seem to be shadow entities, waiting at some point to reveal themselves and join in on the intrusion party of the other manifestations of this condition. This makes me wary of my own self, less confident that I can trust myself to be there for me, in the future. How messed up is this, huh? Dealing with the unknown, as self, as your inner identity, waiting for it to mess with my life in some way in the future that I can’t even imagine the way in which this will take place. Feeling just that little bit off balance. Mortified that I will make it back to my knees, ready to end my life again, in the search for relief.
Personal sacrifice; the all-being of self-awareness, the innermost circle of the personal makeup of the individual, the center, where the pieces have to slit apart in order to become the pieces, not just a part of a whole, but necessarily an individual piece, aware of its own functions and importance to the body as a whole. This ailment, condition, illness, it knows no boundaries, it attacks the mind and the mind is point-central of who we happen to be. We are controlled by this center of operations to deal with the myriad information our brains receive from its surroundings. Millions upon millions of pieces of data to be processed faster than the speed at which it takes you to think one digit from a page! This is masterful stuff, but it is who, how and what we are.
In this post, I simply wanted to make myself think more precisely about what it is I have to deal with. I have placed myself into a vulnerable position, looking for nothing in return more than to continue to believe in the entitlement to heal at least to a point where I can know that I am not always in danger of being affected by PTSI and the other emotional situation that it can cause to me. I never signed up for this, but neither I suspect has anyone, ever. We are lucky to a degree because we know that our minds although sometimes frighteningly, work rather well. The over exaggerations may be uncomfortable and intrusive, but still, we remain vigilant, even if that can wear me out, I don’t know about anyone else’s conception of the hypersensitivities this brings into our lives, for me, it just seems normal.
The break is at the breaking down of self-compassion. Sometimes I hate myself for this condition, I blame myself for fearing enough at some point, (if that is in fact, what has caused this condition!) to have allowed this PTSI foe to enter into my life! Was it my fault for not letting go of the confusion or the pain, or the corruption of my safety zone that caused this, and am I as causative a factor as were any others?
This is what makes searching, accepting the truth, even if it is uncomfortable to hear or see, and to keep searching because I don’t believe I will ever be without PTSI, I do believe that there can be a lessening of the symptoms at some point, but I can’t be sure when or even how this will take place.
Much needs to be done, but now that we are in this together and we are including our findings into the matrices of the didactical writings, the issue has been opened to the light of day. We have so many who are not on board the train to find healing and reasons to live and it is my hope that we can start to reach more of them, and they will see their importance in adding to the information.
23 a day in the US, 84 a day in Australia and who knows how many of which we are not being told about that are adding themselves to the rolls of those we have lost to this darkness? It is frightening and it is sad.
Wholeness of spirit, peace of mind.