Saturday, December 30, 2017, 1651 Hrs.
I am here at this sire for the opportunity to help myself, and to help others in dealing with the various events which are associated with emotional illnesses which have been caused by injuries to our emotional integrity. Causative factors are numerous, but it is exactly this point which makes the search for healing so difficult and so complex in its nature.
I have my issues, others have their own, but nothing is aloft in the air that can be the cure-all for the developmental speed of PTSI(D) and other emotional issues. I also firmly disbelieve that there is any cure which would eliminate the conditions, because of the advent of different assaultive measures that cause its creation in the first place. I have read several of the psychiatric reviews and the DSM’s definitions and the utter lack of a definitive care for the emotional illness dynamic, so for me to tell anyone that “this will work for you!” would make me a vicious and a most formidable adversary against someone who is seeking assistance with their emotional problems, yet, this is what many Drs. Choose to do, in relation to their patient’s requests for help!
Now, here’s a quandary to be considered: we still need to seek out help for our conditions! So…if we feel less than comfortable with the professionals who are telling us what we need to do or why it is we need to do so, to where or to whom do we turn? Who makes this a less stressful atmosphere. Who do we assume to trust in our quest to become well? I always ask myself if I should just stop going to the Dr or should I just use the drugs that can tear apart the integrity of my physiology and eventually my psychological makeup? Or… more to the point, have I seen the answer and just not taken the time to see what is in front of my face?
Taking the time to backtrack, have I ever seen a way to reduce the impact of PTSI(D) on my emotions and just been too wrapped up inside of the pain to have seen it? Should I allow the pain of my emotional distress to distract me from possible healing? Am I empowering the pain to do such a thing to me? Can it be true that I am complicit in my own affected life of disarray and fear and pain? I may not have been to blame for what caused the injuries, but am I to blame in any quantity whatever in the continuance of the persistence of this malady?
Right there, in front of my eyes maybe in front of the eyes of all of us, might be the answer that would start a new direction, a new feeling, a new emotional processing interaction within each of us to find healing and peace. Are we missing it, is it there, in front of our eyes, in plain sight? Why has this condition been ignored for so long? Why in the past has it been seen as only a soldier’s issue? There is an underlying current in the public that only those who have endured combat are the recipients of traumatic enough input to incur the wrath of emotional injuries. This assumption is definitively inaccurate to say the very least!
No one who is remotely coherent would want to deal with the pressures of having this illness. This “thing” makes one’s life excessively laborious to live, and painful to express to others. No one who is insane could make the sense of describing even the most subtle of its points. I have difficulty finding the words to make sense of it to myself, let alone to someone who is cataloging my words to publish in some future self-aggrandizing paper to be oohed and awwed over by contemporaries at some conference somewhere and at some time in the near time continuum.
I have found that trusting and I do mean anyone, is one of those hit-or-miss deals for me. I wasn’t very open to trusting people for most of my life, so after this anomaly showed itself outwardly, it makes an even less appetizing characteristic for me to exercise. It makes so much sense for anyone who has this issue not to be trusting.
- You already don’t know whether or not you can trust yourself.
- Nothing seems to be normal, it all seems to have too many colors to look at, at once or too many notes to distinguish in this particular piece of music so we’re fretting with the dissonance of a confused reality.
Today, I’m looking forward a bit, the new year is arriving and although I don’t set many precedents on celebrating the event, I do realize that some people do what they can to imagine that it is going to be different and that it will make a difference. I hope that they are right, I just don’t know what it is that it can do for me, it’s one of those personal beliefs, it has no solidified point to make, it is something that I have made a choice over my life not to view as being all that important. If a one-day year changeover makes a big difference in how and what I do, why didn’t yesterday or the whole year for that matter, do the same thing?
I disagree with myself from time to time about how I feel on the subject of emotional illnesses. Often I think that it can’t be healed but may be controlled. Then there are the times when I feel that maybe there is a true cure, a way to materialize myself as this wizard who can wave his hand and no one will ever be incapacitated with this issue ever again! As incoherent as this may sound, there are times when I need to see a more magical possibility to end this unending and cyclical nightmare that I’m living. I can’t say that anyone else feels this way, but I certainly do.
Confusion, discord, fears, pain, fragmentation of memories that used to have whole identities, they all make PTSI(D) feel so much more weight than other conditions I’ve dealt with. Heart attacks, nothing in comparison. Broken bones, Nah, not in the park! But emotional distress along with severe depression, oh hell yeah, this tops them all to me!
We may be missing the starting points to our own healings, by closing our eyes during frightening moments, maybe we see something in the dark but reconstruct it as a monstrosity to be hidden from, then as a possible way to start the healing process. It will move along, ebb and flow, go up and then down, but we need to make a conscious decision to assume self-mindfulness, and take a step or two that maybe in the past has eluded us because we let our fears make the choices.
I’m afraid, I can admit this. Being afraid can’t remain a reason for me to use for not getting back some of my life. Triggers will be there, but when I am isolating over ninety-five percent of the time, who am I truly hurting me, or the PTSI(D)? Are we all dangerously close to being guilty of giving more power to our emotional illnesses by succumbing to the fears of dealing with them? If so, can we change this without support? Can we see ourselves available to self-empowered searching on our own to find a treatment for what is ailing us? I pray that some of us can. And those who can or will be willing to teach the process to other people. We’re losing too many people for this to be simply “all in our minds!”
Be inside of internal peace.