Wednesday, January 24, 2018, 1915 Hrs.
We are dignified and significant people. Regardless of the appearances, people may think that they see in us, we are as relevant and as deserving of respect as anyone else, and I refuse to accept insignificant status due to stigma and belittling attitudes that seem to be the prevailing stance on persons with emotional illnesses and injuries. We are not a sub-species of human beings who are not available to the best that any person would be born to receive.
I don’t remember a lot of the incidents that have added up to my condition, but the ones that I do remember, are appallingly contrary to what even I see as being “normal” so I cannot expect to see why anyone else would understand it as anything normal in their own estimations either. Additionally to my understanding some of the misunderstandings, however, is my anger toward the hurtful statements and stares of the hatefully dispensed vitriol, that tears at the souls of the persons who deal with the process of trying to not be affected by the negativities of the condition we have.
I see myself as one thing that no one else ever sees. I am confident, strong, measured in my responses to my situations, devoid of personal hatreds, and totally absorbed in the person who is me. But in reality, this is a façade, and I have to admit to the difficulties I have in maintaining it for extended periods of time, thus, I isolate, I hide away, I take my leave of absence from the process of socializing and acting like everything is alright as I do so. For me, it’s just too exhausting to hold out for too long.
I’ll tell you this; we’re making strides where traditional treatments and medicines have been truly miserable failures. And we have to use these successes as a foothold, or a handhold to keep ourselves from falling into the abyss so many of us see as the only option, our only outcomes, our last choice. Think about it, just five years ago, many of us would have been headed toward for “treatment” and for “re-education” of our emotional selves, whereas now, we have options to look at, to decide on whether or not we can use them to our best advantages. This is a better time than any before, but there is still much work and progress to be achieved. I’m just glad that we have a place like www.pysdchat.org and www.Twitter.com/PTSDchat on Wednesday evenings at nine eastern times to get some ideas and some encouragement. My time is spent very well, during this all-too-short hour, and when I can’t be there, I am not a happy guy!
I was an artist in a former incarnation, not a master, but a creator of something that was not there before. It felt good to access my emotions or my thoughts and offer them visually to someone else to see for themselves. It was like an identity that had an extension beyond the span of my life. So cool, so heartening, so human. I lost my access to this side of myself when I saw so much ugliness and pain caused by humans that it just seemed to go into hiding. I haven’t been able to find it in such a long time now, that I don’t know if I ever will again.
Self-loathing, a feeling of emptiness of spirit, a sense of foreboding an a terror beyond my ability to explain, cloud my thoughts and debilitate my abilities to desire to even look at myself in the mirror anymore.
I often wonder how much of my own humanity I’ve managed to lose over the years, I feel guilty for not being able to save everyone I’ve ever helped and this is not good, but it’s the way that I think, I saw a need to fulfill, and I was rained to do so, and the outcome was not consistent with my expectations. My heart was crushed by many of the sights, not even my own participation in the events. But nonetheless breaking to my emotional barriers.
Deciding on whether or not I know something is difficult because of the confusion I feel within my mind. I hate being me sometimes, I hate that I could have ever been affected in this way. For me, it shows a weakness a lacking of the character that I thought and so steadfastly believed that I possessed that it has broken me down, leveled me to the base of a slug’s ass.
This is my power struggle, this is where the rubber meets the road in my contest with my own mind. This is a dangerously delusional state at times, it makes me see something that does not exist, or maybe it does, but I’m just not willing to admit to the existence of such an enormously disadvantageous entity within my own mind. Maybe it’s my ego telling itself to win a game or two that it has been losing for so long. Dammit, it shouldn’t be an absolute loss even before the battle has been joined!
The feeling of disability to regain the skills I should never have lost makes me physically ill at times. I can feel my heart racing faster as it reaches for the familiarity of well-known grounds upon which to tread. My emotional feet are tired, they are blistered from the long trek they’ve had to take through the treacherous and rocky path of finding their way through the field of PTSI(D) and other emotional annoyances.
The power to go forward comes from an inner part of myself, but it also comes from the people I meet along the way who are finding their way through this same struggle, these are the people who like me, find ways to cope and share them with others. In some ways, doing this makes the journey seem to be less daunting and lonely than I’ve felt that it was in the past. Still, however, I have my bad days, when it all goes down into the pit and I have to find a way out again.
Ok, life, from where should I find the strength to continue? Should I ignore myself and go through the motions of pretending that everything is alright, or should I let it all in the open, and take the chance of being ridiculed? No answer yet, huh? Well, that means I’ll have to keep seeking the answers from other like me, who know the darkness and the flashes of light that are sometimes, glimmers of hope, and sometimes lightning strikes I try to avoid.
Wow, it’s an effective deterrent for one to live a life; don’t you think?
I won’t give in, though, no matter how tired I may become, no matter how useless the struggle may seem to be, because I deserve better than this is giving to me, and I’ll fight for what belongs to me. My prayer is that each of you will do the same thing. Just don’t give in to the liar PTSI(D), it’s not telling you all of the truth, just some of the story, and that, as an old man in my neighborhood used to say: “just ain’t enough of the damned picture to make me go to see it in the gallery!”
Peaceful travels, and find a pathway beyond the trench you may feel that you are in because you are worth it!