PTSI(D) and loving someone. | #PTSDchat
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PTSI(D) and loving someone.

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“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it does rhyme.”



Love: an intense feeling of deep affection.


This week we’re on the train of intense emotional feelings for someone else. We tend to bypass our own defenses of our emotional net as we turn on the mechanics of loving someone. This turning on and turning off is significantly brutal on our senses, it is a process of gross abandonment of every idea we have ever learned about what self-esteem and self-respect are all about.


I have often found that it is glaringly ironic that I could give up my usually strong sense of myself, and openly and willingly allow access to my innermost feelings and vulnerabilities. Loving someone can be a tremendously fulfilling addition to my life, and I have enjoyed its presence immeasurable most of the time, however, it has caused me insurmountably indefinable pain at times. So I have to say that love has a two-edged possibility of its inclusion into my life.


Personally, I believe this is why I have taken a chance on loving throughout my life. It can be exciting to think about the downsides of things and whether or not I will be able to avoid them. It matches wit with desires and passions with capabilities. Love forces capitulation, but it does so with the belief that there will be a reciprocation of your efforts. I love, she loves me back. I take the chance, and she takes the chance.


Here’s where Mr. Twain’s quote makes its first appointment with this subject: love can happen more than one time, and when it does and it is real, it is not under your control, it is beyond your cooperation and your ability to control how it affects your life, becomes a jocular case of wasting your time! Love is clearly the most unpredictable of emotions because it can be illuminated onto anyone, and there is no switch to turn it off, you do or you don’t love someone.


Being in love, which is often debilitating even when the other person loves me back, is worse than loving. To be in love means to be outside of every aspect of your own sense of control and decision-making, it makes you feel both good, and terrified all at the same time! Nothing can take its place in being the most satisfying and frightening emotional situation that can ever be faced by us, as human beings.  


A husband loves his wife, he meets another woman and his heart falls deeply and committedly in love with her, try as he might, it just doesn’t stop the process of making the grade of sanity. It reinserts itself over and again, multiplying its impact and its effects each time that it arrives. It is the most beautiful of our emotions, and yet, it causes the most apparently unavoidable pains that could show up.

Heart, broken heart. The same concept, described in amazingly opposite ways! A joy and a pain that can change multiple lives at one time, and yet, the most important that we own as humans.

Which configuration I have ever found myself to be in at a given time, well, let’s say that the invitation to feel the joy was always too strong to resist. If that person moved my emotions to desire to be with her, it became a necessity, it became the time of day to hug and to share my feelings of affection for that person. I never felt any hesitation, I just felt the need to move forward and hope that the two of us would feel similarly toward each other.


Winning and enjoying makes it all worth a try even though I have to add that losing out and getting my feelings smashed against the wall is less than a feeling of motivation to give love a try again, but then, the excitement of the new love returns. Excitement is the electricity that powers the cycle of moving from interest in someone to a need to get to know them and to hope that they will see you in a like fashion.


Sex can be a gateway to the dark side of loving someone if t used as a tool rather than as a promise of the love that you have for that particular individual. Sexual expression is even more personal than oral exclamations of this love. It can make a good thing seem to be a bad idea, especially in the absence of patience and passion. Love, a funny emotion that can cause less than funny outcomes. But damn, when we get it right, even if for a little while; isn’t fun!?

Really it’s alright to love and not even expect to have it returned, but this requires patience and courage to pull it off. I was game a number of times, there were no preconceptions on my part, I just went along for the ride to see where it would take me. Do you need to be loved? I would say “yes” to that, but some of us are living on the wire of life, waiting to see if we are able to maintain the balance to keep us from falling off and getting hurt. I have to admit, this can be as exciting as the living relationship itself, but only for a few people.


I have taken a bit of a jocular approach to this post, but this is because love has no real definition to be held to, in at least to its real identity. Love can look like an attack on someone who loves the same person as someone else. Individuals who fall into this category of thinking can disrupt the lives of many a person and can make lives seem like war zones.  


I don’t know all of the answers, so much as I don’t know most of the questions either so there won’t be any pearls of wisdom coming from me on this subject. I’ve been in love, and I love, they have both been successful and even painful. Developing a philosophy about this subject is an exercise in inaccuracy because no one knows enough about it to be certain about being right.


Best case: start with self, and then, love outward from your center. Remember though, that it’s this center than needs to remain intact, it has to exist, because loving someone else is nothing, if you do not know how to love yourself.


Good luck, good love, and good mindfulness.


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