It started out as a loyalty thing. | #PTSDchat
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It started out as a loyalty thing.

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Wednesday, February 28, 2018, 1715 Hrs.

I would watch war shows on television when I was a kid, and then I and my friends would go out and recreate the scenes we had watched. It was fun for us, hiding in the high weeds, and using trees to lay ambushes for one another. It was just paying a game to us, nothing big, nothing more than kids being kids.



Later as e got older, we stopped having this fascination with war, we started more into the sports that we loved, especially football, baseball, and for some, basketball (never one of my games!) but what happened was that we kept the elusive skills we had learned as we played our favorite war show characters. Everybody seemed to want to be Vic Morrow from “Combat”, he just had that swagger, with the hanging chin-strap and the low held “Tommy Gun”. We all wanted to be like that guy, we thought he was cool. I mean, the “Rat Patrol” was cool too, but we couldn’t really imitate riding around and jumping sand dunes in jeeps in the fields, it just didn’t work out all that well.



This was a childhood, turning itself toward adolescence, and it was fun and it was educational, even though I didn’t see it this way at the time.





Now, I have graduated, I’ve had a couple of getting-me-nowhere jobs and I started to give serious considerations to where my next move would take me, and when they would do so. I was angry at myself because I bought into the hard work, nose clean, American dream stuff that I had been taught. I watched my dad work his ass off, two and three jobs at a time, and he was moving a little bit, but not at the accelerated pace I was thinking that he should. My dad was doing the right way, no arrests, working to provide, paying his bills on time, doing the thing the right way, but advancement was slow and seemingly at times, non-existent, I felt bad for him!





I saw it coming, me and my brother both, he was already in the army, but I wanted to go a different way, so I walked around a bit, experienced the country a little bit, picked up a little face time with the lives of other people, more schooling, more bullsh*t to deal with and the belittlements shot at me from other people who didn’t know a damned thing about me.


I won’t get into all of the army stories, let me just say that I served, it was productive in some ways, but for me, it was also so much stupidity and waste of time just to say that I was serving my country, I watched the waste of good materials and people, the absolute humiliation of persons to create the atmosphere that you were nothing unless you were one of the automatons who did as you were told, and absolutely nothing else!



I served, I committed all-in, I protected my guys, covered asses as needed and I left an honorable legacy. But the negatives haven’t left me. No, they are still a part of who I am today, corrupting the purity of my heart, and destroying the cleanness of my mind and of my thinking. How in the hell did this happen, I won’t tell any gripping stories of heroism, this type of thing is not my way. I did what was necessary. I saw the human animal act as less than that of the lowliest creatures we assault with our insults and with our assumed superiority over them, and our rights to kill them haphazardly and as wantonly as we choose, because we write books, and build sh*t that supposedly makes us top-of-the-line in the creation dynamic.



Families have been ruined in the name of patriotism and country loyalty, and I am not just speaking of the country from which I come, I mean any country that chooses to invade and to destroy the lives of people who have never done anything to them! The claim that we need to “stop the spreading of” this or of that, is a tired song, and its words are stale and reverberating endlessly amongst so many people who just don’t know any better. I am mortified to think of the next conflict. The idiocy of a nuclear conflagration and the headstrong idealism of believing that anyone can actually come out as the winner of such a conflict makes me sick in my mind!



I love where I live, but I fail to understand why people elsewhere can’t make where they live, places that are livable for all of their citizens. Even here, I am starting to see the planting of the seeds of elitism that will spell doom and ruination for this country. This makes me feel as if the sacrifices of so many were a worthless loss of a good life. Patriotism, the cry to come together to offer up your life, for causes that may not have a damned thing to do with preserving anything about your freedoms or that of your fellow citizens. Name a war, and someone got wealthy from its having been fought.



But what about the dead.? What is their reward? A flag, a cross or a star, and a smaller flag planted on two days out of the year. Never taking into consideration that their having lived may have brought about the change from a young and boisterously ignorant country, into one of respect for all of its citizens, without the need to fight for rights, and equality and acceptance.



Wars distract us from the realities that are staring right into our faces. Veterans return and this fact is so deafeningly loud in their ears, and glaringly bright in their eyes, that they often just collapse within as they are able to assess the truth that they participated in the perpetuation of a lie that has lasted for generations, and created destruction and death and avarice in its path! It disheartened me, it reminds me daily that the truth can’t be accepted by those who don’t see it up close, or smell its stench in their noses, a stench that you never escape.





A little bit of both, or a lot of one to be precise. If not, PTSI(D) wouldn’t be a part of who I am today. I can’t make it plainer than to say, any country that wishes to remain whole and safe must have the means to protect itself and must make it known to potential enemies that it does indeed maintain this capability. But warfare in and of itself, for the war mongers who financially benefit from the deaths of men and women and innocents whose lives are snuffed out in one puff of a bombs breath, is just plain damned stupid, and a waste! 



I started because I am a loyal citizen of my country, but when I was “there”, I learned that we are all citizens of the world and that death and destruction anywhere else in the world, is effective everywhere else in the world as well! We can’t disown the intolerance of killing just because it happened during wartime combat. A father, son, daughter, mother, sister, aunt, baby, grandfather grandmother, a hole that was a family’s generational birthing place, is gone, forever, changing forever identities, kinship with the land, eliminating ties that reach back too far to be recalled clearly.



Realization can be the big cause of PTSI(D) issues in someone who has served, or, it can come on later, like it did with me, destroying what I thought was pretty freaking good life!  Oh yes, other issues contribute to this crunch of a life, but starting off with my loyalty to a living lie? Yeah, baby, that is the glue, it is the foundation of what PTSI(D) has done to me!



Let me add this one thing before I eave this post: the title of which I am the proudest to have ever earned, outside of dad, is that of “combat medic”! 










As inspired by @TruthPathing and @JourneyOfDays and Tim Grutzius.

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