Friday, March 9, 2018, 2320 Hrs.
Intimacy minus emotions? Is this a possibility for anyone to accomplish?
I have loved and I mean loved hard! I was attentive, passionate, considerate, loyal, supportive and supporting of all of the necessities of life. I was a man who loved a woman and I was in-love with her. I liked the sound of her breathing when she slept, the way she walked, I loved her laugh, and her smile sent me all over the place. To me, she was my destination for sharing the inner me, the self of me who was unreachable by anyone else.
I was leveled-off when we were together and I was anxious when we were apart. What I thought was that my love for her was so strong that it would carry us into the forever that I knew from a child I wanted to share with another person. A woman, I’m not gay, (if you are, don’t judge me, I’m not judging you!)
We were so happy together and then…in comes the problem. The new “friend”. The new confidant, the new adviser. She was the moron to our oxy, the dark in our light. It started out all innocent and fresh. She was friendly, and she was a joy to be around, and then she met an idiot, an idiot who treated her like a pile of trash he was tired of seeing. As he demeaned and maltreated her in every way, he did not care anything about her feelings as a person.
As he got worse, our “friend” began to tell my companion that it would be just a matter of time before I was treating her the same way. At first, my partner wasn’t buying into it, but over time, she started to consider it to be a possibility. She started coming to my job, and asking people who I would be with during the day, she even accosted one of my patients about seeing her talking to me, ( was taking her vital signs!)
Now things began to become strained and we became unhappy with each other, but there was nothing that should have caused this to take place. Outsiders can kill a relationship.
But what about the insider? The person who is a part of a relationship who is impacted by emotional illnesses and indeterminant events that have the uncanny ability to make one feel uneasy about self. A person who has to deal with this is easily conditioning him or herself to cut off the emotional switch, and step away from the possible pains of an emotional letdown from being rejected or of being dropped after becoming enamored with the other person.
Can I as a person who is dealing with PTSI(D), live a life in a happy emotionally necessary relationship, while making the other person happy at the same time, while I may be dealing with unhappiness and fears myself? I have been told about meditating my way into a state of mind where I can feel less uncomfortable inside, but with a number of issues with which I must deal all at the same time, even with my training in the meditative arts, I find this very difficult to access now. Fears are there before I can find a moment to meditate or to take the deep breaths that I can use to make me free of the impersonal thoughts that are hindering my attempts to step outside of the internal storm I am going through?
I wonder if I can maintain an intimate relationship with someone I think I care about, without the power of having an emotional system to help me along with the process of showing her what she needs to have in the relationship? Saying that I care is nothing if the ability for me to show it and make her feel that I do is absent from her emotional belief system.
Are any of us, capable of relating in a way that makes any sense, by faking emotional clarity, when all that is going on, requires that specific quality, in order for the contract entered into to have an opportunity at all to work?
Each of us is individually responsible for how any situation we deal with is administered, but people who have issues from injuries of the emotions can have a tough time handling the pressures associated with this sort of arrangement. I have, in the past, and probably still do now. I have a wife who is understanding of my lack of emotional connection. She knows that I am fighting within myself to struggle back to emotional wholeness and durability. I don’t have any shame about my condition, I have a sense of disappointment in myself for not being able to find myself a way out of this jungle of pain and chaos. I don’t know how she puts up with me, I can be a real pain in the ass when I don’t respond to her questions, even though she knows that I am not ignoring her, I am more focusing on trying not to feel the effects of what is happening to me emotionally. She’s a jewel and I don’t deserve anyone like her.
Every person who deals with PTSI(D) or any other type of emotional illness needs to understand for themselves that the condition is not a definition of who they are, it is an illness which is not healing, and it is a cause for concern, and a reason to advocate for help in finding healing.
Don’t believe the lies that emotional illnesses tell you, it has to lie to you, or you’d find out that maybe it’s not as strong a foe as it makes itself out to be.
Peace, wholeness, happiness, the power of soul, to each of you.