Friday, March 30, 2018, 2230 Hrs.
I found out when I was a bit younger that there was something at which I was very good at doing, I knew that I wanted to try to learn this new discipline of expertise, but it wasn’t from watching television shows about the subject or anything of that sort, it was because inside of myself, I knew it was in me to do so and to free up at least a few people from the misery they were suffering. I had a lot of confidence even though I had no idea as to my capability to actually become proficient in the skills of this particular profession.
Growing up, we lived through so-called “race-riots”, you know, those conflicts where angry people decided to burn down their own communities in order to make a point? Well, I never agreed with the process, even as a child, I thought it was stupid to burn down stores where you shopped and homes where you lived in order to show that you were upset with your living conditions. If you are angry because you feel that the people in charge are not doing enough to upgrade your community, do you think it will incentivize them to do so after you destroy it?
Do you know how traumatizing the simple act of not having the choice of the movie your family is going to see can have on a young mind? These types of situations are a part of the whole of what makes up emotionally transitional results. We unknowingly do this to every generation of children, because as adults, we assume to know what is best for the children we are supposed to protect. I feel that we are going overboard with our egos to make such an assumption, considering that we rarely have a clue as to what it takes to do the same for our own selves! We press onward, seemingly.
However, as we do this moving forward, we are not making sure of the resolutions of the problems we have already created within ourselves. This is where it takes place, this, is where the future problems take root, within this period, we create the offshoots of our future intrusions. I think that it is here where we create the first incision, the first area where the infection of emotional illness can take hold and begin to grow. The process begins to fester and to putrefy, as it grows uncontrollably into what will eventually become the web of stagnant and semi to permanent interlaced interferences into our safety net of emotional security.
I see the effects of any emotional illness in this way: it is an infective agent, it is something that must be crushed in some biological manner, and this may mean some type of an antibiotic substance of which there has yet to be a discovery. Or maybe we should become better at observing the subtleties of the changes we are having within ourselves. Maybe drop the phone and text a bit less, and spend a little more time dealing inside our own spheres of existence. Then, and only then, should we attempt to make rules for other people, you know, like our children?
A deep and unbiased look into who I am personally and spiritually is a necessary step for me to take when it comes to dealing honestly with my emotional illnesses and especially when I am dealing with someone or anyone else! How could I stand in honest conversation with someone while I am lying to myself so completely and totally egregiously? Does this come to making anything close to sensible thinking?
Remembering when I was not encumbered by these emotional issues is a problem for me. I’d love to be able to turn off the sitch and go back to the times when I was so completely in control and not hampered by the unknown entities of what “might” happen next, and now, I would even be happy to even have the break of worrying about the smallest of things, but all I do now, is focus on the terribleness of tragedies in the making. What catastrophe is waiting for me around the next corner, or under the stairs that might choose to trip me up?
This is how I live in my PTSI(D) spectrum, and I know this might sound silly to someone else especially to someone who is not dealing with the illness at all, but dealing with what appears to be a reality. What seems to be real can often be a result of the mind running overtime and abusing its normal set of power over me. I can’t use the generic term “us” because I am only discussing myself in this particular instance.
I don’t feel sorry for myself, but I’ll lay it all out when someone asks me how I’m doing, what the hell do I need to lie for? Especially if the question was one of genuine concern for me. If it wasn’t, then the person will have to take what I say and diffuse within his or her own mind, it isn’t one of my problems to solve.
Oh, and for the ones who may be reading this from outside of my and our realm of spectrums, and saying to themselves, “why don’t they just get over it and forget about it, already?” it’s because it’s internally motivated, and even though I can use processes to alleviate if only for a little while how it makes me feel, I can’t get rid of the dread of what might happen next. This is because I care as to how it might affect the lives of my family and my friends. It’s my way of being less selfish about my condition and ecological consequences. I know that how we react to our environment, (including people) has a direct and formative effect at that moment and often far beyond, and I’m hypersensitive to this fact.
I have become tired of explaining to inflexible-minded people how I live with an emotional illness. They don’t want to truly see it from my point of view, I think they ask in order to come up with more ways to insult me and others who do deal with it.
Some of those who don’t know the truth, are the first to deny that they are in fact, dealing emotional issues of their own. The “undercover crazies!” as described by one of my brothers. And you know what? They’re right, and it’s really not all that funny.it is ironic that those who are trying to stigmatize those of us with the courage to come out of the shadows that cover us, are more than likely themselves, dealing with similar issues. What a sick and/or perverted life they must be living to do such a thing, when there are so many who are hurting, and even amongst this number, they are willing to help anyone else who comes to them!
I can wallow in self-pity over my problems, (sometimes I do!) but I also choose to try to be of help to anyone who seeks it out. I may be hindered by what
S happening to me, but I also have that side of myself that knows what it means to scream and feel as if no one hears me, or if they do they don’t care to offer help, I won’t be that person.
I take every piece of myself and I add it to an equation or equations, and this is because I can be different today than I was the last time I was seen or heard from. I have to keep track or the tally of the incidents in my life, I have to know whether or not I’m worsening, getting better, or staying the same. Honesty is the only remedy for uncertainty.
One day, I might be an apple, sweet and crispy, a joy to have around, and then on other days, I might be an orange, a sour and pungent orange, which is acidic, aromatically offensive, a real pain to tolerate for anyone, including myself. There is no reason to be dishonest. I can be this way. The truth, (if it is to be told), is that anyone can be this way! But looking more closely, you can see that either can be less than appetizing. Truth at work!
Let us all remember at least one thing; perfection is an energy draining characteristic to obtain and to search for because if you find it, you’ll still be looking for better.
Reach for better health, and a wealth of compassion for others, sharing is truly caring, if it is done magnanimously and with care.
Your servant and friend,