Sunday, May 13, 2018, 0000 Hrs,
Screaming into the void of a vacuum: How I feel when I deal with PTSI.
Some people are averse to accepting the truth that they know someone who is dealing with a mental illness. They are the victims of generations of misinformation, propaganda and abusive acceptance of maltreatment which were told to be the only useful treatments in dealing with the “deranged” minds of mentally ill persons.
I have PTSI, severe depressive illness, and severe anxiety illness as well. I have to tell you that I take exception to the idea that anyone would call me deranged. I have been a productive and inclusive part of society. I have been a helpful and contributive individual, not a drain, not a dangerous person, but one who has placed his own life in jeopardy numerous times to protect the lives of total strangers, I have seen the beginning of a new life, helped into the world by my own hands! Counter to the beginning, I have witnessed the inhumane endings of life, in ways that have bluntly stunned my emotional capacity to believe that anyone could be human, and yet be so brutal in the treatment of a helpless life. This is my truest reason for PTSI: human brutality!
I accessed the trials of attempting to create emotional dissociation from the travesties of human avariciousness and divisiveness, earlier on in my life. Drug addicts who walked in a zombie-like state, all while bragging that they were the brightest of all of the people in the area, they were “turned on, and tuned out!” but life seems to be much more difficult to manage than simply trying to ignore its existences. The same way in which mental illnesses have to be accepted as being a normal part of the lives of many of the people who will ever live to some degree.
Have you ever felt that your complaints are not being heard, not even by you? I have to imagine it as similar to being caught in a vacuum and not being able to hear your screams. I know that if I can’t hear them, it’s less than prudent for me to expect that someone else should have the ability to do it either. It’s a conundrum. It’s like emotional illnesses, it exists but you don’t know why or how to deal with it effectively by yourself.
I self-indict. I blame myself a lot for what I’m going through right now. Wrong or right, it doesn’t change it from being how I treat myself. The best thing that I can say, is that I admit to my own deviations from what I would call “normal”. I know that it isn’t my own fault that this anomalous entity is one of my partners at this time, but my belief is that at the least, I am a co-contributor to the process.
I was empathetic to the patients at an accident scene, I was to emotionally involved when I treated someone, I saw the human being before I saw the injured person, my heartfelt their pain as well as my feelings that duty had to be performed expertly. In hindsight I have to say that these components were not as compatible as some might think they would be, they certainly have been proving this point to me for the past several years!
Yes, I have a right to complain because I feel disjointed, but I have a duty to do something about it as well. At one point, I came to the conclusion that suicide was the answer. I was destroyed emotionally, not by alcohol or by drugs, I just wanted to be out of the continuous loop of a song that I had become tired of hearing. It had the inconsistent beat of an untrained hand beating on the drum of my emotions, and I couldn’t put up with it anymore. No, I wouldn’t put up with it anymore! Fatigue and listlessness were too invasive and too prevalent. I needed to energize myself, I wanted nothing more than to get rid of the “what” that had invaded me. Some of you might understand this, some, maybe not so much.
I still yell, I still scream, but now I do seek to correct that which I feel has been corrupted and damaged by my experiences and by the interruptions of life. But I am not just this damaged person, but I am an intelligent and caring and dynamically opposed to the hurting of others type of person. I make a cake that I want to share with other people, and if it runs out, I’ll make another one.
People do these things, not heroes, not outstanding individuals, but just a person. You, me, anyone who will.
The scream is that of a primate dealing with pain, the vacuum is the opposition to that scream’s being heard, so, I say scream if you need to, but try to find a way to distance yourself positively from the source of what is causing the pain. You can find ideas here, you won’t be the first.
Peace and whole-mindedness.