Wednesday, May 23, 2018, 2045 Hrs.
Happiness and sadness are not the participants in my life. I live with delusions of opponents who do not exist, and of attackers who are not there. I hate this life! Who is sitting there, right now, saying to themselves” this guy is screwy!”?
Well, you’re right, I am screwy, I am dyed-in-the-wool pissed off at the drudgery that is my life as I see another day that ha produced nothing of value and everything that I don’t want to have as a postscript to my life’s story when it’s eventually written out!
I Do complain about what I’m dealing with because it is a pain in my ass! The language that PTSI uses toward me is not some softened margarine-like whipped-up substitute for the hardness of the truths that I face, it is concrete and cement hard, brick wall hardness a cussing out of my innermost feelings, regardless as to what I do to counteract its effects at any given time.
I want to use an unusually frank analogy here: having this condition is often akin to being thirsty, and having someone give me a cup of urine to drink! Who wants to live in this way?! This entire issue is not being discussed with the cleanness it should be at times. Yes, seeking healing is the endgame, but we are still walking through the feces-filled fields of our lives as we try to find it. I have hard days to deal with I look into my mirror and at times I’d like to rip off the face that is staring back at me!
Suicide, humph! That sh*t is old-school crap to me! I was completely in the mode to do the deed and only the love I have concerning my wife being the one who would have found me, stopped me from going through with it! I just wanted to be out of the mess that my life had become, I just wanted to escape the smell of crap that comes along with this condition! Farmers may get used to it, but for me, the olfactory assault had become too much to take, I just wanted to smell some fresh air for a change. I DO remember the smell of fresh air, I just haven’t had the experience for too long of a while!
Depression is not sadness, it is a weight of sadness compressed down on top of me. It is the addition of inescapable emotions that are exponentially consequential. Positives don’t seem to come along very often when I am in a depresses state of mind. Tell this to someone whose only answer is to suggest to me to “think of happy things!” and I go into an almost stage of blastoff mode! How is saying this, which is so obvious, supposed to be helpful to me?
The mess of living inside of the pigsty of emotional illness is not one that has an easily acquired solution. That’s why I chose suicide! I could see that this was going to be a long-haul issue and my ass was tired of the bullshit of living hindered and incomprehensibly detached from who I was supposed to be! Try it. Just try to live in the putrid waters of emotional illness brought on by the traumas of life. Try to dismiss depression as
if it is only a small-time issue.
This life is like swimming in a sewer. Smelling the fecal matter, and the urine-filled waters that are defiled with every type of disgusting trashy substance of which you can think and maybe then you’ll see a small glimpse of what it is that I live in and through every freaking day of my now affected life! Deal with that truth, and tell me how easily you think you could really just “think good thoughts, to relieve the pain”!
You can stub your toe and yell and swear and cuss and jump around and in a short period of time, it will go away. (the pain, that is!)
But when your emotions have been corrupted and they inwardly attack, where is the relief to come from for you? Who is there that can truly let you off the hook of this emotional demonstration of how strong we are until we are compromised by an outside force that changes what was before the events, normal.
PTSI(D) is a sh*t-storm dynamic, not some misunderstanding between me and another person. It is an all-out internal warfare that you can’t actually win because the combatants are all you! Where we need to take a fork in the road is not so much a difference between the right or the wrong one, it is about having enough cognizance left under my control, to even make the damned choice in the first place!
PTSI is hell on greased skis, running down a glass-smooth mountain slope!
You don’t want to be me, and I can tell you how I can say this with so much confidence. It is because I don’t want to be me!
f@cking PTSI and emotional illnesses are a pain in the ass, period!